I am so sick. Both mentally and physically sick. Just today morning I woke up with a dreadful intention to kill myself. I felt so tired I thought I can just die by lying on the bed itself. I am experiencing a dreadful headache now and I can feel my soul dying. I thought I will die just like this, but a soul saved me. It's a concerning soul and I never expected the soul to save me. This soul did nothing much actually. This soul, knowing that I am terribly sick, gave me a 'take care' note; This soul, never talk much about my body condition but just continue talking about it's own stuff; what this soul learned from class; what this soul's feeling; what this soul's doing now..

But then.. Although this soul did not further concern about my situation, somehow, looking at this soul talking about it's life makes me feel like.. calm? Maybe the way this soul talked to me; the way it show its feelings; its anger; its frustration; its excitement; made me feel like I still attached to people. I feel like I am still the person who people will find when they want to have a simple chat of life; not someone who need to be concerned and only needed when they need something from me. Somehow I was pulled back from the abyss to the light.

Yes, I am still feeling sick. But I am feeling better now. At least, I regain some of my conscious. Thank you, this soul.

I admit I dropped. I had been blinded. Don't ask me what blinded me because I won't tell. But what's done is done and there's nothing left to do. I just want to pray hard that everything will go on fine. I don't know whether I deserve another chance or not but if I do blessed with another chance, I will really appreciate it.

I still feel like I am being blinded. But I think that's just an excuse. Because the truth is, I simply do not know how to balance between stuff. Especially important ones. Imagine this. How do you balance between everything that is important to you when you know when you chose to put more priority on one, you will neglect the other one and worse still, you might lose it. Think about it. It's my situation now I am facing. I am having a break from the havoc life now, which might just be the perfect time for me to sit down and think about it.


I don't know. I really don't. My heart, my mind, my soul. Everything is shaking now. It is so imbalance that I almost can feel it falling apart. The only thing I want now is for the truth to be put right in front of me now. Anyone. Just anyone. Please tell me whether the effort I am putting in now is worth it or not? Please tell me the ending. I don't want to keep on worrying and keep on feeling imbalance now. I don't want to gamble on the wrong stuff. I don't want this situation to happen anymore.

That's why I said. I rather being busy than being bored. Because I tend to think too much about things I shouldn't be thinking and ruin my own life. It's so suffering, so suffocating and so torturing. I know I need to talk to someone. Someone who can respond to me. Someone who can comfort me and tell me every single possibility that could happen and tell me the ways to solve it and the ways to face it.

Whenever I am by myself, I feel scared. So scared I tend to hide myself in the blanket, close my eyes and hope I fall asleep soon. I hope so hard that when I open my eyes, I will see the truth right in front of me and that I won't need to feel tortured anymore. But reality is always scary. When I close my eyes, my mind and my brain do not want to obey me. They want to torture me more by keeping my fears wide awake. That leaves me in a suffocating state.

Whenever I off all my lights, my laptop, and when I am hiding in the blanket, I can only hear my clock ticking right beside my ears; the sound of cars passing by behind my house; the sudden shudder of the glasses of my cupboard. Nothing else. I am so scared. I took my phone, trying to find someone I can seek help from. But in the next second, I hesitates, and I off my phone. "It's wrong," the sound in my brain told me. Look at the time. Have you not caused enough trouble for others? When will you ever learn? I cried.

The same routine repeats itself over and over again. I find myself facing nightmares of tsunami and enormous black bear chasing after me and attacking me. I still find myself looking up at the dark ceiling in my room, failing to fall asleep. I am so scared. What will happen to me? What is there awaiting me? Why am I such a failure? Then, at this moment, I know that my depression had got me.

I might look fine from the outside, especially during daylight. Everything is fine. I act like I don't care. But, it's killing me inside. I care. I care so much. How can I not care? I remember perfectly well that this is a path I chose. Why can't I even protect my own future? Why do I have to ruin it? Ask me why do I act like I don't care. That's because I had had enough people showing me their pity faces and comforting me. The last thing I want from others is for them to feel bad for me. I don't want that.

True. I am wearing a mask. I don't want people to see through me. I don't want them to see how pathetic a person I am. I don't want to show my weakness out especially when people are having so high of an expectation towards me. It's sad, you know? I didn't chose to be like that. When I told myself that I want to excel, I truly didn't see the depression coming in. Yes, I want to excel. But. Will that cost me my happiness?

People, please don't say that you are looking up on me. Please don't say that you want to be someone like me or what. Because being me, it will definitely cost you a lot. And when I say a lot, you see what had become of me now. I am being consumed by my own egoistic. My own perfectionist personality. My own too-high-expectation-self. I am not living a perfectly happy life. But I do feel happy. The only happiest time I can find is when I am with the ever tolerate boyfriend, whom I can show myself out; whom I can take off my mask and be myself; whom is always the only person who debates with me without making me angry; whom I can find my own resting place; and whom I can really depend and trust on without a single doubt.

Because, whenever I am with him, I felt like I am totally out of the cruel and strict reality I have to face. It's true. When you really, truly love someone, you are blinded. But in my case, I am willing to be blinded. He is the only place I can rest my soul. I really don't know what I did to deserve him. I really don't think I deserve anyone in the first place. But he proves me wrong by using his existence as his weapon.

He says everyone deserves someone, and that he believes that we belong to each other. We are each other's savior, just that we are too concerned about our own weakness to even realise that. I admit that I am being influenced by him. But in a good way. My perception of life changes so much. Sometimes I lose my direction. And sometimes I know that some things I have to face it myself. I cannot be too dependent. I remember one of my lecturers told me this : No matter how close you are to another person, you are still you and he is still him. We are still a person. We are never connected. I believe in what she says.

I am still confused. I am still scared. I am still worried. I know I think too much. But I can't stop. Because if I do, it won't be me anymore. My intention to think too much had saved me lots of times, but as an exchange for it, it had caused me lots of suffocating moments, just like now. And thus, there's where's my depression comes from. I ought to seek help from a psychologist now, like seriously. I think no one knows about this, except for Mr.Ng, of course. ( And I am feeling so bad for having to trouble him everytime I am strucked with it ).

Woah, it's a long ranting post huh. But I seriously need to release or I will explode :S

Toodles! :)

Awfully awesome and awfully awesome. Semester 3 came and goes like nobody's business. Time is moving so fast that before I realised, May is approaching. It's really awesome how things moved without us realising it, right? Anyway, I am done with semester 3 and heading towards semester 4 now. Ehh but before that, give me some breather first hehe.

Practically, semester 3 was so awesomely hectic, suffocating, but fruitful in the same time. If I am to evaluate myself, I will give myself a 6/10. Although lots of people assured me that I am not, but I know myself the best. It's a truth that I did not do up to my expectation and I did not really put in all my best for semester 3. And what turned out was countless deep regrets that sometimes I really feel like strangling myself or just simply drown myself.

It was such a suffocating time which caused my depression level to increase, making it worse and worse. But never once I tried to give up. No matter how hard the situation is, I still want to try doing what I can do and I don't want to give up. Well, it was not me only who was facing the tough situations, right? Why should I complain? Why should I whine?

Anyhow, semester 3 was practically a very meaningful semester. I had learned so much and so much had to be learned that I doubt there is any enough space in my brain for me to absorb so much. In terms of studies, yes, like said before, I did not put in my best and I am regretting about it. Frankly, I did so badly for my finals that the only subject that I had enough confidence on was only Marketing. In terms of relationship with friends, I did found out about things that I had always trying hard not to but... oh well. Everything is still going on fine and I should be grateful about it. In terms of relationship, I had to say that I am very thankful to tomato who is so enduring and so patient enough to face all my depression moments and always be there when I need someone. I have to say that relationship does not really affect my studies because what affected it was my own problem. The lack of determination, the procrastination etc etc.

Semester break is here and I am so gonna enjoy like nobody's business. Well, worry also as well. For the result urgh. But, I really need a breather and when I see one, I am not going to waste it. Happy holidays people! Enjoy and see you guys in semester 4 :D