I finally understand why I am looking less forward to the starting of new semester when the semesters increase. I got this realization after talking to people. Some understand, and some don't. However, I still don't feel like telling anyone the feeling I am having now because it is a too-sensitive issue. And in the same time, there's a solid reason why some things are not meant to be held on for too long. In this case, things start to become too judgmental and chances are seldom given anymore. In the beginning, we are given lots of chances to prove ourselves. And that was like the only time when we can show others what we are capable of. You miss out the chance, you will be judged. That's one thing I really really don't like. But it's somehow unavoidable. We are constantly being judged, perceived, and stereotyped. This is one thing I really really don't like. Because of this judgmental surroundings we are in, we are not able to really show what we are capable of. Don't you think it's such a waste of chance? And by losing the chance, it's like losing the confidence in the same time.


One thing is, we should not really judge people from only our own point of view. It's like, our own road, dreams, aim, and so on are being decided by others. And this is so not right.

No worries. One more year to get rid of the number 2 :D Anyhow, HAPPY BIRTHDAY tomato and hopefully you enjoyed your special day :) 19 lor, must become more mature than the past 365 days already. Although I know you are already more mature than me but keep growing kay? :P Tomato, I am the last person you see when you are 18 and also the first person you see when you turned 19. I feel so lucky for it and I hope that I will always be the first person to wish you for every single birthday you will go through. If I am lucky enough, I also hope that I will always be the first person you see when you grow an age :)

Comparing last year this day and this year this day, the large awesome difference is so obvious that no one will ever believe or understand what had happened in between. But no matter what, every year on this date, I will always be here to send you my greatest wish. Happy Birthday once again. Good luck for the next 365 days :D All the best and may all your dreams and wishes come true. No worries I will always pray for that :)

Should I like, start blogging with points again? For now, maybe I should :)

We meet all kinds of people everyday. At different life stage, different environment, different situation, we meet different people. It's not about how long you had spent with the person as a friend, but it's about how much you actually appreciate the friendship that makes us true friends. People come and go. It's just a fact we have to accept and get over with.

Results are out :D I got this awesome nightmare this morning. I dreamed that I got a 'D' for Public Relations and a 'Fail' for Advertising. Didn't see the Research's mark though =/ I woke up when my mom called me, realizing it was raining outside. I was so awesome scare and nervous so the first thing I did was on the laptop and checked e-campus. The results are there :) And it is nothing like my dream. *shivers* Anyhow, I wasn't able to accept the fact of my results I saw in my dream. It would be the worst nightmare. Worse than being chased around or being murdered (>.<) The results are satisfying. It was quite a surprise actually but I think hard work do pays off, although it might look dissatisfying when you didn't get the outcome you wanted at that time. But the grades will reward you with everything. Thank you. I will work harder :)

What can I do to repent for my sins?
What can I do to repent for the mistake I had done?
If there is anything I can do to ensure that my love ones and myself are protected, please allow me to do it.
What can I do to cleanse the sins I had committed?
Please, don't take anything away from me.
I am not ready yet.
If there is anything I can do to repent for all the faults I had done, please let me do it.
Just, don't take anything away from me.
Let us all be safe.
Prays

No more ranting updates. Maybe one daily update before the clock strikes 12? :P Actually my life is kinda contented. Not really wasting much time compared to the last semester break, which I spent most of my time on the bed =/ This time, however, there is more bonding times as well as facing-laptop time. But it was contented. Less emotional moments. Maybe cause I am mentally prepared for it thus I find more distractions to prevent myself from thinking too much. But I think mainly it was because of the support I got, which I am really thankful of.

Results coming out soon. I don't know how should I prepare myself to face it but what out will be out, what's done will be done, the least I can do now is pray and hope for the best. I got no regrets at all for all the work I had done last semester due to the fact that I was actually constantly being emotionally disturbed but I did tried my best to concentrate on everything. Guess will be staying up tonight? =/ Yeah I think I will do that.

Second post of the day. I really believe in this quote:"Trust takes years to build, but seconds to crust it". In just few minutes, I experienced disappointment. But, oh well, at least I can see more clearly now. The way I treat people depends on how people treat me. There's always a reason why I do something, and before you question me, question yourself. I understand it's all human nature, but the disappointment I feel is genuine. In the end, I was right. I had been convincing myself to give another chance but it had been proving me wrong again and again. Tell me, how can I ever have faith again when you disappoint me again and again? I am no fool and I know who's sincere and who's not. But, it's all human nature and I do not have the rights to blame or judge anyone. But, oh well, at least I know who's worth it and who's not. I am mean. Again. Life is too short. I have no time for people who does not appreciate me. People are being inconsiderate at times. But I don't mind. If they are worth it. If they are not, please, find someone else who can tolerate with. Don't try to take advantage of me.

p/s: Tomato, this is not for you. You have my fullest faith :) In fact, I think you are the only person who's sincere to me now. Quite sad huh? But oh well, it's life anyway :)

No one says that love will be easy. There is no true definition for love. Love is about faith, trust, confidence. Love can hurt, but it can also put one in the best situation ever. Love is everything your mind and your heart tell you even when you try to deny it. Love. It is a feeling, which can breaks you and support you as well.

No one says love will be easy. It is actually, everything. Being in love makes me feel the worst and the best. I experienced so much by being in love and I learned so much from it. I think I grow up from it. With feelings so deep and so true and so sincere, I experience everything of the opposite as well. Being in love makes me feel the sense of belonging, and the fact that I can be so grateful and appreciative to the presence of one person that allows me to make the person happy no matter what cost it will take.

No on says love will be easy. If you think love is easy, then you are not experiencing true love. With the best feeling, loneliness and breakdowns accompany it. It is not just about listening to the same three words over and over again, but it is depend on whether you are ready and willing to face everything with your partner. Everything and anything. It is about putting your partner in front of yourselves. It is about being considerate and understanding.

Everyone lives a different life. No two humans live in the same life as yours. In love, there is no right or wrong. There should not be any assumption. There is only trust, understanding, faith, and confidence. There should only have determination and the strong will to support your partner.

Being able to love the person, and to be loved back by the person I love, is the best gift I ever received in my life. I am truly grateful, appreciative, and lucky. Not only because I am loved by the person I love, but also because I have found the perfect person which I want to lead my life with. No one is perfect. But to me, everything is perfect between us. We make our imperfectness perfect. There is something special between us. I know it. You know it. That's why we are grabbing each other so hard.

I will never love another person as much as I love you. Life is too short. I want to walk mine with you. Therefore, I will be tough. Love is a challenge. No matter what, I will stand strong. To make both of our lives perfect.

No one says love will be easy. I never expect it to be easy. For me, just being able to love you and being loved back by you, is the best satisfaction in my life.

Aloha! :D Port Dickson was.... HOT :S The best part of the trip was all the bonding sessions, and of course, the water park :P It had been a long time since I set foot in one and yeah, it brought back lots of wonderful memories. But the hotness of the place, seriously, it can kill. We didn't really go to the beach, thank you sun. And plus, the number of people there was not really friendly. But we got a nice view of the sea from our apartment. The apartment was okay, in my opinion. I expected something more terrible :P Anyhow, no beach for the next trip, all agree? We will go somewhere cold next time. No more hotness. The best way to drain out the energy :(

It's 5 more hours to the departure to Port Dickson and I can't awesomely sleep =/ I totally despise you insomnia and I pray hard I won't have the same problem when I am having my vacation :( Anyhow, will be gone for a 3 days trip to Port Dickson and yes, it will be a blast. More updates when I'm back :)

Updates for two days! :D Yesterday (16th July 2010-Friday), I was in front of the computer for the whole time. Gaming :P Online as well. But I was having terrible trouble sleeping at night. Insomnia oh dear :'( I think I fell asleep at around 4.00 a.m. but the terrible sound of people repairing the pipes and hoses above my head woke me up early at 9.30 a.m. in the morning, and not forgetting annoying phone calls from an unknown number. Oh dear. But surprisingly, I am not as tired as I expected myself to be until now :D

Anyhow, I really enjoyed today with tomato :) Went to lunch with him and gosh, you can't imagine how much I miss his presence by my side. I thought I had never seen him for 1000 years *sniffs* and his presence always manages to make my day. It makes me laugh, happy, and feel warm for no reason. As conclusion, he is the only cure for me when I am feeling down :P

So anyway, as first, we went for lunch, which was only the initial plan. Then, I was sort of got chased out of the house because the repairman will be there till the evening so there wasn't much that I can do in the house =/ Thus, tomato decided to bring me along to his house and steal his anime hohoho! So after lunch, I went to tomato's house and stole his anime :D Besides that, we also played Monopoly with the sister and oh gosh, you have no idea how long I never touch Monopoly and the memory to play it seems to had got out of my head. But I really do enjoyed myself a lot today. It had been a long time since someone actually played with me. Sound sad right? I know. But with tomato now, I guess 'it had been a long time' will thus become 'often' :P Thanks for all the awesome moment darling. It is so good to have you by my side :) I feel so awesomely grateful :)

I guess that's all for now. No pictures! Sorry about that. Will definitely take some next time to attach them with my posts :P Toodles!

Okay. One post before I drowse off =) Life is... how you define it. I am a complicated person with a complicated thought. You might not be able to define me in the most accurate way but I leave all the definitions up to you. But I am always being myself. Being to be able to open up the mind is definitely not an easy task but never try, never know. I will be soon, going back to my usual blogging mode now. You know, the time when I used to post up so much about my daily routines with tons of pictures in a post? Yup I think I will be going back to the mode. Oh why, the blog is the place I record everything down; and it is the place where I come back and learn more from what I had done to improve myself. I am regretting so much for not recording so much meaningful stuff down which had been happening at this single moment and seriously, I will just continue on blogging.

And just to you know, blogging used to be my passion :) And I am going back to it.

At this moment, life is awesome to me. I am not going to ask for much but at this second, I will embrace what I have and protect what I love to the max. It's amazing how all your point of views changed once your mindset changed. And I am loving the way I'm taking things now. No sacrifice to be made. I am happy. Yes, I am a lucky, and happy girl :) Toodles!

Omigosh, pur-leashhhhhh, it's freaking holiday now! Can I just enjoy and rest and do what I want during this awesome short 2 weeks? I am so seriously pissed off right now and I am having a major headache. Seriously how can you be so selfish? Think of me, please? Be slightly more considerate, please? There is nothing wrong at all! NOTHING! Seriously, take off the image of the oh-so-perfect mask and start become more open-minded. This all happen because of all your take care of your face stuff. Oh PLEASE. You know how was my last holiday? It was a total disaster. So for this holiday, I beg you, please, let me relax and do what I want for goodness sake! Argh!

I have no idea how many times this had occurred me but, surprisingly, I will be having my Advertising Finals in 13 hours time and I am not nervous :) Is that a good thing? Haha I seem to be asking a lot on this lately. Is that a good thing? =/ But anyway, a very short post here to wish everyone GOOD LUCK! for the finals and do your best! :D I really do love Advertising more than Public Relation, and this time, I am really facing the finals with a really relaxing and open heart and mind, which, I won't ask (hehe), to me, is a really good thing. Less stress = Can think better = More effective :) Maybe this is just the way my brain works. But at this moment, 10.06 p.m., I feel really relaxed and confident. Don't know will a feel the same way later when I got through everything once again, though =/ But the feeling is really awesome. Because, one thing, all negative problems solved. I am happy. I love life :) I feel so lucky for being alive :P Okay, back to work :)

Today I woke up with a very gloomy feeling inside me. Somehow, the uncertainty and all the negative emotions in me are still existing inside me since the time I fell asleep until now. Thinking back of what happened the night before, I feel extremely weird. There's no problem. At all. But, my feelings are not deceiving me. Something's not right, it whispered. And somehow, after talking, I realized what is wrong.

Su Wern, you just have to get use to it. It's suppose to be like this and there's is nothing you can do to change the situation. Because if you change it, it will become worse. Yes. So the only thing I can do is to get use to it. Slowly. And carefully. I want to work hard on my part because this is something I take very seriously. And I have no intention at all to just let it go. It's impossible. For me. I truly understand how things work now. It's human nature. What am I fussing about? No one is going to be exactly like me and understanding is the most important part here. Thus, understand it and trust it :)

I am really truly grateful for people who had supported me throughout the whole journey. No matter how hard it was, even when the time it was near the end of the cliff, there is always someone who will pull me back up and tell me, give it another try. It was hard, really, but I'm always grateful and I really appreciate what's happening to me now. It's really a new and unique experience in my whole life. Thank you. Thank you for people who told me not to hold on to it and not to let go. I got no intention at all to let go anything. I am going to live with him, and die with him. Because, he is my greatest treasure I can ever receive in my entire life. Letting go would mean killing myself in another way =/

I will be fine. I.Just.Need.To.Get.Use.To.It. And everything will be fine. It will be better than fine. I got faith in it :)

It's like this. Let go, Su Wern, let go. This is my ranting ground, so I really care less on what people think of me, whether they like it or not, on what I write here. An advice to myself: Don't grab it too hard. Lessen your expectations. Easy say :( Emotion is something I cannot control; even after so long, it always gets over me and changes me all the time. Ouch. Another advice: Don't assume things. It's so hard, yes it is. Can I cry? But crying doesn't help right? Even after I cry, nothing will change. I will only build more depression within me. But I want to cry, can I? I can't find any other suitable way to release myself from this despair. So... Can I cry? :(

Remember that, you are just another human. And other human is just another human. I really want to stop ranting here and overcome it. I tried. But failed =/ It was my first and last time I did that. I failed so badly that it took half of my soul away. In the end, I have to come back here. I promised myself to take off the mask so attached to me. But it was harder than I expected. I realized I do not have enough determination and strength. Sometimes I think, is it worth it all? What happens if anything goes wrong? What will left for me? Scared. Worried. Pressure. Darkness. Abyss. Despair. I tried to. Swap everything away. All these unnecessary negative emotions. I tried to forget about them and pretend that nothing happened. But it's so hard. How? Exactly how to overcome this? It had always been a problem in me. An unsolved one. Since when I am engulfed in these emotions?

I think I am becoming too possessive. I always thought, I will be able to share and to blend it. But the truth is not like this. Am I doing too much? Am I putting in too much? Am I the only one thinking so? What will happen if I stop to care? What will happen if I disappear from this life? What will happen? What will people do? Or I merely just another existence that is easy to be replaced?

I am so awesomely confused. It had been a long time since this problem haunts me. I think it's because I am becoming more and more myself. My mind is contradicting with what I want and what I should do. I am depressed to get what I want. But by doing so, I will lose things that I don't want to lose. So what should I do? My mind is in a confuse state now. Should I just throw away everything? It's suffering, torturing, pressuring. I hate it. I think, I just signed a pact with despair to obtain happiness. Talking about equivalent exchange and karma. Oh gosh.

I used to think, that I can believe just in anything. But when time goes by and when issues happened, I realized it's not true. No one can actually understand your feelings because they are not in your position. You have to face it yourself, all by yourself. And there are still things that you can't tell others. Why must it be like that? I really hate the way things work like this. I hate it so much. But what can I do? The only thing I hope for is just to protect all the precious existences. Maybe a bit too protective or a bit too possessive.

And what will happen if I don't be so? The only thing I want now is to provide the secure feeling, and so you won't feel hopeless and helpless in times, which I constantly feel. Sometimes I really feel like if I am responsible for your happiness, who's responsible for mine? Maybe my expectation is really too high. But I really expect you to put in the same effort as I put. What's the meaning of it if only one party pour everything into it? I don't get it. I really don't. Is it suppose to be like this? I don't know. Someone please tell me the answer. Tell me and guide me on what I should do.

It's so hurt. So painful. So heartbreaking. I really hope I can get over this soon. I don't want to cry myself to sleep anymore. It's enough.

p/s: Maybe you didn't expect me to do this much. But this is how I am. I don't simply pour in my seriousness. Maybe it's all what I deserve. But I really want to give you what you should get :)

*coughs* Sure is dusty here =/ Okay. Assignments down, project down, classes down. Now what's left is only the finals and we are done with this short semester :) Is it too fast for me to conclude how I feel towards this semester? But I guess it would be fine, right? I was totally in a confuse state this semester. Yes thank you time constraint. But I guess it was fine? Learned lots of stuff as well, and I think I grew up a little bit. Thus, I guess it's a good thing? :P All the unplanned plans. It's so exciting, right? Yeah and quoted from Ivan, it can only happen to us. Hey we need some excitement in life, no matter how busy or how pressured we are, we must treat ourselves well :D And no matter what is it, we must try our best although things might not reach our expectations, at least we tried, right? :)

But to be honest, this semester does not make it into my favorite :/ I love whatever I am doing but there's no point doing if we don't enjoy it. There was also some issues in and out but I overcame it and learned something from it. This is an extremely challenging semester I would say, with so much to focus on and so little time to manage. I guess it would be like this when we are finally working? Woah better get use to things then :S

It was one hectic semester, and I am pretty sure I won't make it through without all the support these people gave me:

a.) Ng Kok Han
Thank you for supporting me and encouraging me always. I know both of us were having tough times and I really appreciate all the patient you gave me. Although there was some chaotic moment between us that made me really heartbreak, but we made it through and we are now better than before :) I am truly glad to have you with me during these times and I am really glad that we made it through, being better than before :P Thank you so much for everything, dear. Thank you for enduring with my immature self as well as my emotional breakdown moments. Thank you for always being there and thank you for all you have done to make me feel better. You are one precious and most important gift I can ever receive in my life. Love you sweetheart :)

b.) Nothing Box
We made it through, didn't we? No matter how hard is it, we always made it through, right? :D It was a lot of fun working with this group. The unplanned plans. All the craziness. It was so much excitement and so much fun which accumulate up to all the precious memories I won't forget forever. There will come a time when all of us will bid farewell to each other, and what makes us to unique is that we always create special memories that are impossible to be wiped off our minds. I wonder what will we be like in 30 years time? :) It's truly something to be looking forward to :D Thank you for all the support, the help, and everything. We made it through, because we are made up in one :) Let's do it again next semester! :D

c.) The Family
My family had been very enduring towards me during the whole short semester. The workload definitely suffocate me but no matter what, at the end of the way, I always look forward to going back home and rest :) My family had been very caring towards me and I really appreciate all the care and concern they gave me. It really makes my day.

Holiday coming! Let's treat ourselves well this holiday! Let's go for vacation! Port Dickson, Melaka, Genting, here I come! Will definitely make all the plans happen this holiday. 9th month approaching, and someone's special day is approaching as well :P It will be fun. We will make it fun :D

Take anything you want from me. Just take everything and anything you want from me. Let me take his place. Let me replace him and take over his place to face all the pain, sufferings, and torturing he is facing now. Please let him be okay again. If I can give you anything to make him feel better, please take it off from me. I just hope that, he will be showered with happiness and a perfect health once more...

Omigosh. Don't misunderstand me. I am living an awesome life :D I am not in the worst state yet and I am still enjoying my life. True, I do encounter disappointments and pressure but still, I am lucky with what I have now. And truth to be told, I am not regretting on anything at the moment and yeah, I am living a great life. I might be lost sometimes but I know when time goes by, I will be able to recover from it and gain back what I am losing at the moment. I know the time will come when I can fill up my blog with amusing and amazing, happy stuff. I am sure the time will come :p So yeah. I am happy. Although there's lots of really pressuring stuff going on from all sources, I am still relieve to be living the life I am living now. I will get through this. I will need to find myself back once again. It might be good that I had changed a little now, but I think it's time to go back to what I used to be, with a little mixture of what I am now. Complicated? Nah. It's not. So, don't misinterpret my meaning base on the blog posts I wrote here kay, cause nothing is wrong with me and yes, I am happy :) I am in fact, the luckiest person in the world :D

Survived another week. It was indeed an awesome relieve but it's not exact rest yet. How to describe this week? The beginning of the week was so awesomely terrible I felt like I lost everything in the world. The end of the week of really awesome but now I felt awesomely dead :( Tell me how to survive the 3 weeks of semester break? Equivalent exchange. Tell me how not to believe in it? Confusion, that's what I feel now. How to overcome and how to cure it? I don't know. The frequent need of someone. I can overcome everything, if I am with you :)