Saying Hi to the Persona.

2010/10/31, 12:08 PM

One Day I Will Just Go...

I sometimes do doubt whether I am happy or not. But although the answer is so obvious and so true in front of me, I am still unwilling to accept the fact. Over and over again, I kept on asking myself to forgive and forget, but over and over again, I keep on hurting myself and making myself miserable. I don't know why am I doing this to myself. Maybe because I still have the slight feeling of 'not to let go' in me. It stops me from doing anything stupid or anything abrupt that will (maybe?) make me regret. So what will happen if the feeling just vanish?

But the funny thing is, I don't even know whether this is really what am I feeling now.

I had been constantly feeling tired and for a couple of times, I just hope that I can disappear and forget everything. Yeah, true. Who will want to care about what you are feeling? They are too busy for themselves. What's so superior about me? Why should anyone care? :'(

Like I said, in the end of the day, I only have myself to answer to, and I only have myself to be relied to and to be responsible to.

We are just human beings. I actually spotted a question: Will you still forgive when you had been hurt for more than 3 times? Honestly, if I am to answer that now, I will say yes. But I cannot be sure in the next time. I cannot control my own emotions and feelings. The heart will of course tell me what I should do. And by the time anything happens, I am sure that I won't regret because it happened. Because it will definitely not happened out of any abrupt decisions.

It will happen because I simply can't take it anymore and that will be the time I want back my happiness.

Being in such a situation is not fun at all. I seriously don't know why am I still being in the same situation. But honestly, I feel myself being more and more firm towards myself already. I am not dumb, duh. If it does not work out, then fine la. I believe that I deserve better if anything goes wrong. If anyone expect me to be the typical pathetic girl who will cry her way through things, that's definitely not me you are looking at. Yes I do cry at times. But it's just a part of me doubting my own heart's feelings.

Everyone's human. I am a human myself. When I am not treated well, I know. And no one can ever say that he/she don't know how to treat me because all humans are the same. When you are not treating me well, or to be more frank, hurt me, it's just because you don't treat me sincerely.

One day I am just going to go "I've had enough" and end this miserable situation.

Labels: Life, Love, Ranting

2010/10/29, 6:48 PM

New Goal

I got a new target :D I mean, a new goal in my diploma life. Like, finally! Hoho! Okay, I still got time towards achieving this goal, and I must achieve it. It would be the best thing ever if I can reach this goal. It would mean so much to me that every sacrifice and every hard time I went through bear the fruit I want :) But to be able to do so, it is very important for me to have a strong will, determination, and of course, passion, to achieve this.

Will try hard. Yes I will :) Of course I will :P

Labels: Life

, 11:46 AM

Semester 5 Peak Season

Yesterday night was the first ever night I overnight in my living room. Somehow I am really grateful for the presence of both my children, the hamsters, for keeping me awake. Life as part of the mass communication industry is seriously tough. The most important part of your body would be the brain. Have to constantly making sure that the brain is functioning well at all times to produce a satisfactory work. And the worst part is, classes end at 6.00 p.m. most of the days and when I reached home, I just feel like doing nothing but rest and sleep.

Pretty tough, huh?

But am still trying to adapt to the drastic changes of my life. The working world will be so much tougher that I could hardly have time to sit down and breath nicely. Again, it's not that I don't like what I am doing now, it's just that my brain energy and my physical energy don't really coordinate well with me these days =/ And mainly because of the pressure and tension and constant paranoid moments I created for myself, it makes me more mentally exhausted and mentally tortured these days.

But again, will live through it :)

Believe it or not, it's only two weeks left to the end of the semester and I am done with semester 5. Now is like the peak season of this semester and everything is so much tougher that what we did at the beginning of the semester. But somehow, I will still live through it :) I know what I am capable of and I know where my heart lies.

Oops, did I just make this into a ranting post?

But frankly, I learned so much from this semester and I don't regret having to go through all the hassles and obstacles and whatever judgment being implanted on me. There's a different way of looking at things and the most important thing is the mindset, the determination, and the passion. These are things that always can't be embedded well in ourselves. Because we have so much to handle, so many things to consider of besides our academic, we tend to lose our way sometimes. But I believe that if the determination is strong enough, we will be able to come back to where we are suppose to be :)

That's all for now. Just feel like updating a little after not doing so for some time. Cheers :)

Labels: College, Ranting

2010/10/23, 10:57 PM

Mommy Misses You!

Seriously, it will only be one day but now I absolutely, awesomely, miss my hamsters very very much :'( It had only been one day and I am already missing them to bits *sniffs* I got these children yesterday ( a present from tomato for our one-year anniversary ) and because I have to go back to my hometown tomorrow and I don't feel secure for leaving the children all by themselves at home, I decided to let the father take care of them. And I am missing them so badly now *wails*

Introducing.....

But I only call her 'Cutie'. The name was given by tomato because he was supposed to name the female one (which would be this one), and I was supposed to name the male one. So he gave her my name plus the 'cutie' in front (>///<). I named the male one 'Tomato', though :P She's such a cutie right? Both of them are so cute and it seems that they are capable of communicating with us! I can just look at them for the whole day. Like seriously. Every single action. Omigosh. Okay, I am obsessed with hamsters, especially those two! It had only been one day and I feel very attached to them. Now I miss them like mad :'( Tomato, you better take care of them properly while I am away and it is a compulsory to provide them with royalty treatment. Will be back tomorrow evening though. Awww I miss the children *sniffs* But I am so glad that I at least, have children to sayang to :D There you go. Another thing that can really brighten up my life :') Can't wait to have them back but I understand that the father needs to spend time with them as well hehe.

Awww darlings, mommy misses you! :'(

Labels: Hamster, Love

2010/10/22, 11:59 PM

22.10.2010. The Mark of a New Journey

22.10.2009. This date marks an important change of my life, where I no longer only think about myself, I no longer care only for myself, and I no longer being alone in going through hard times. 22.10.2009. I no longer know how much this date means so much to me that whenever I see the number 22, I feel happy for no reason. 22.10.2009. It is the date that changes my life. It is the date that let me know how beautiful life can be, how lucky I am, and how miracle can actually happens. 22.10.2009. It the date, where I find meaning in my life :)

The person, who drastically changed my whole life, would only be him --

I don't know exactly the right words to describe how I feel about this person. He gives me more than happiness. He just gives me everything. Happiness, sorrow, excitement, surprise, depression. He gives me all the emotions I can get from the world. But no matter what, no matter what emotions he gives me, in the end of the day, there is only one emotion that is deeply embedded in me. We call the emotion LOVE. But I think it's more than that. I find it really amazing for me to be able to be attached so deeply towards a person.

It was an amazing one year. An amazing 365 days. We grew so much throughout the days we went through together. It was an amazing journey.

No one says love will be easy. Love can hurt, but it can also put one in the best situation ever.
No one says love will be easy. Being in love makes me feel the best and the worst.
No one says love will be easy. If you think it's easy, you are not experiencing true love.
Being able to love the person, and to be loved back by the person I love, is the best gift I ever received in my life.

- Extracted from the "No One Says Love will be Easy" Post ( 24th July 2010)

I strongly believe that love is a feeling so strong that it sometimes makes you lose your balance. Because for me, I sometimes just don't know what to care anymore. I lose my direction. But after this one year, I am clearer with things now. Love is something I cannot deny that, it's the best thing in the world. It just turns your world upside down. The way you see things, the way you make meaning out of things, it's all not the same anymore.

The past one year. It won't be the same without you, sweetie. It will never be the same in the future as well. I am leading a life with us supporting each other and being with each other all the time. Obstacles will never be easier. The single thought of having you with me at these times really do calm me down and made me happier a lot. You had done so much for me I don't know how to appreciate you more than how I appreciate you now. You mean a lot to me. Really, a lot.

I know this post might turned out very cheesy, but it really can't explain how I feel about this day. I don't know how to put in words on my feelings towards Mr.Ng Kok Han. I don't know how he managed to endure me and tolerate with me all the time despite my bad attitude. Whenever he says "I love you" to me, I know he means it a lot. His love towards me is unquestionable. The sacrifice he is willing to make despite being such an egoistic person sometimes really touched me a lot. He don't want anything, he just wants me to be happy. This is just a simple but yet noble wish of him. He really sacrifices a lot for me. So much. I cannot be luckier than what I have now.

He is a sweetie pie. He is always trying to go over himself to make me happy. I know how genuine his love towards me. That's why I always fear, that he will be taken away from me :( I want to make him happy, make him happier than happy. Because I know, he deserves it. He deserves it more than anyone else.

22.10.2010. It's one year, sweetheart. One year. We went through all the ups and downs. Our goal is never to get through this one year only. But to get through our whole life. I remember telling you. 80 years later, I want to hold hands with you, sit on a bench in the park, and see our grandchildren happily playing with each other. I really hope this say will come because our relationship means so much to me. It is my ultimate happiness to have someone like you with me. I know I am arrogant, stubborn, and selfish at times. But towards you, I can't just let go.

We had experienced a lot together, right? The Genting trip. The staying up together. The vacations. The laughter. The cryings. I will never ever forget all the memories we had went through together. Never. Because those are moments that make me feel like I am still alive. And it remind me on how lucky I am to have someone like you with me. Thank you, darling. You know I mean more than that. Let's make through this. Let's build our future together :)

I love you, Ng Kok Han.

p/s: Darling, our children doing awesome. They are too lovable. Too cute! Just like you :D

Labels: Love

2010/10/21, 7:18 PM

Hamsters!

Update before I dash off for my jingle! :D

Had been doing hamster-hunting during the 4 hours break. It was the first time we did that and seriously, I feel very heart-warming and really excited to get my second pair of hamster after 10 years. I know right! I wanted it so much 10 years ago, and 10 years later, I still want it badly. I feel really touched when tomato actually wants to buy the pair of hamster for me because it had always been my dream to own one. Knowing me, I can't resist cute stuff :D

I know. Hamster is like, so cute and so irresistible that whenever I see want, I feel happier and I always have the sudden urge to touch it or pat it. It's just too cute X3

I will be getting a roborovski species most likely. I used to have hamsters at home as well, but it was 10 years ago. And at that time, it was a snow dwarf/winter snow :) But roborovski seems smaller and cuter and rounder and fluffier. It's just... so small and so cute! :3 Okay I get excited talking about hamster. But don't you think that it's cute as well? Awww the little one :D

These are roborovski :) Omigosh the innocent look is getting on me. Awww so cute! All thanks to tomato for making my dream come true. You are so sweet! I feel really touched :')

I can't wait for them to move into my house, which would be tomorrow :D I even looked up notes on ways to take care of hamsters so that I can take care of them properly. Unlike the last two, which ended up going to a better place and another one escaped :'(

An ideal hamster is between 4 and 7 weeks old.
Place the hamster in a location out of direct sunlight.
Cover the cage floor with a 2 inch layer of bedding. Pine wood shavings are the best, because they are absorbent and non-toxic.
Keep a filled, clean water bottle attached to the cage at a height where the spout is reachable by the hamster, but doesn't touch the bedding. if the bedding gets wet it can rot and cause your hamster to get sick. Wash and refill daily.
Provide plenty of chew toys. Hamsters love the cardboard tubes found inside rolls of toilet paper and paper towels.
Make a box for your hamster to sleep in.
Supply a small amount of fresh fruits and vegetables year-round. When you introduce new foods, initially feed small portions so his system can get used to them.
Exercise your hamster by putting an exercise wheel in her cage. Let her exercise outside her cage inside a specially designed plastic hamster ball.
Wash your hamster's cage at least once a week.
Remove any uneaten fruits and vegetables after 2 days.
Don't bathe your hamster. Hamster clean themselves.
Choose a young hamster not for cuteness, but for sociability. Choose a hamster that relaxes in your hand, washes himself and seem plump, bright-eyed, alert and curious about you.
Hamsters are active at night. The best time to clean the cage or exercise your hamster is in the evening or morning, rather than at midday when hamsters decided to rest undisturbed.
When you put your hamster in a plastic exercise ball, keep the ball away from the stairs.
Start by talking to your hamster and do not pick him up until you are sure that he is not frightened of you.

My mom finally gives the green light and yeah, I will be getting a hamster. Pretty soon :D I am so excited now. Okay. Off to rest, and off for jingle :P

Labels: Love, Random, Ranting

2010/10/20, 6:30 PM

Just Do It

I got conned into buying this microphone for my computer and it's not working. Okay maybe I did not get conned, I was just now aware and smart enough to check out the mic before I bought it :( This week was kinda relaxing and nice. Not really hectic, not much frustration, not much tension. A long talk made me start to think further. It made me feel a lot more relax, although sometimes things still bother me, but I am taking it better now. It was a tough road I went through. But I learned a lot.

I need to consistently remind myself that there is nothing I can't do if I put in my effort. I need to concentrate and focus in doing things I like. No more distractions. Just do what I feel like doing and try my best in doing it and making it the best :) Well, not the best, maybe, but make it a satisfactory one :)

p/s: I wonder what will happen tomorrow :D

Labels: Day, Ranting, Realization

2010/10/19, 11:24 PM

Originality Self

"Be what you are. This is the first step toward becoming better than you are. -- Julius Charles Hare.

It is quite sad, actually. All this while, a lot of things had been bothering me. I feel disturbed. And insecure. I am always looking for solutions to make things better. I am always taking the tough way. But I never know that, the answer can be so simple. No matter how hard things are, I was able to cope in the past. Now, it becomes tougher because I am simply not being myself. I need to regain my originality. I need to be myself again. I want to do things I want to do. For all these while, I had been considering on others more than I considering on myself. I do not put much effort in polishing myself. It was a big mistake. In everything. Life, relationship, academy. And a lot more. I am going to take the courage and be responsible to myself. Because in the end of the day, I only need have myself to answer to. No. I wouldn't take anything too personal now. No more. I will do what I want. Without much consideration, and always being the Su Wern I always am :)

Life is awesome. If I can always be myself. But of course, it won't be easy. However, knowing me, I will try. Try what? To go against it. There's only one life. I want to die an original, not a copy :)

Labels: Realization

, 7:45 PM

The Decents

Today will be the day where I get my decent sleep, decent meal, and decent slacking time. Why? Check it out.

No assignment due tomorrow :)
Class only starts at 4.00 p.m. tomorrow :)
No need to wake up at 7.00 a.m. tomorrow :)
Tomorrow's class is a total no-stress :)

The previous days/weeks were definitely disasters. Assignment dues and tests. It's not like I don't like to do all the assignments or that I do not like to study, but everything is just too packed that I hardly got any space to breath :'( And the worse thing is, classes end at 6.00 p.m. every single day is definitely not good. Feel extreme tired whenever I reach home and the only thing I want to do is to just lie on my bed, cuddle in my blankets, and sleep, without any worries.

I need to find a way in dealing with my mindset. I almost succeed in turning it towards a better direction, but all the constant distractions had been haunting me and I am back to square one now.

I find one thing that people lack these days -- responsibility. It's like, yeah I know we have tons of stuffs to deal with, but we must also be responsible to what had entrusted to us. I feel kinda disappointed in some ways but shoo, I should just shut up. I feel like history is being repeated after I accidentally stumbled on one of my post written more than a year ago. And you know what, I don't mind because in the end of the day, I learn what I should learn. And people who just do not have the heart to put in any effort in anything... I don't know. Pray that they gain something.

If I continue, this would turn out to be a very ranting-emo post. So I should just zip my mouth now =x Moving on with recent updates.

I personally like my oriental-themed menu :) My own personal menu hehe.
Interpretive speech. I kinda went out my own flow but I guess it was okay. To be honest, I went out with a blank mind because I was not mentally prepared to be called out so soon but yeah, I guess it was all spontaneous moments on that day. Shall improve more in speech giving :)
Oh. Related to interpretive speech, I would like to thank a couple of friends ( you know who you are :P ) who proofread my speech and provided valuable suggestions to improve as well as commented on it. Really appreciate it :) Thanks!
We actually went shooting again. For Advertising Group Project. Shooting was never relaxing. It was awesome tired but it was extremely fun :D Looking at all the footage made me happy!
Advertising Copywriting test today :) I personally think it was not as hard as I expected. But who knows until the marks come back.
Talking about marks. I got a 9/10 for Writing For Mass Media Test 1. Higher than I expected despite all the last-minute studying x.x But I guess paying attention in class really helped a lot :D
Currently using the new Windows Live Essential 2011. Still trying to adapt to the changes =/

It never happened to me before but these days, it happened quite frequently. Constant tiredness. I wonder where did all my passion go? I need to seek for a better mindset.

I am really grateful with what I am having now. Academically. Because I feel like it is the best that I can get :) Anyhow, I really can't wait for Friday to come :D Something special is ringing its bell. I wonder what he will do? Can't wait :D

Labels: Day, Love, Ranting

2010/10/18, 4:06 AM

What Else Can I Do?

There comes a time, when I am in doubt on whether to continue trusting or not.
There comes a time, when I feel so much pain I just need to cry them all out.
There comes a time, when I feel betrayed and lied I feel like giving up.
There comes a time, when I don't know why am I still here.
There comes a time, when I want to just disappear.
There comes a time, when I hope I will just forget everything and start all over again.
There comes a time, when I know that I got no choice but to continue on.
There comes a time, when I doubt whether I deserve all these pains.
There comes a time, when I will just cry all I want and forget everything that hurt me.
There comes a time, when I just want to act like nothing happened.
There comes a time, when I just want to die.
There comes a time, when I will just.......

Forget everything and start again.

I am trying hard to act like nothing happened;
I am trying hard to endure all the pains;
I am trying hard to ignore all the disappointments;
I am trying hard to blend in and adapt to everything.

I am trying very hard.

What else do you want from me?
What else do I need to do?
How much more do I need to sacrifice? :'(

Labels: Ranting

, 3:26 AM

Lend Me A Shoulder?

"Love means exposing yourself to the pain of being hurt, deeply hurt by someone you trust."

Dear Blog,

I can't sleep :'( You are the only person I can talk to now. Sometimes I wonder, how nice it would be if I can be oblivious to things I don't want to know and things that can hurt me. It was so hard for me to convince myself that it is all over and I can start trusting people all over again. But again and again, it proves me wrong. Again and again, I feel the same feeling of pain, of hurt, of upset, of depress, of everything negative. I hate it. I thought I finally manages to get out of all these crap. But no. I am never allowed to. I think I am tied to this kind of life already. I don't know how many times had I told myself to wake up. But because of the feeling of wanting to trust someone so badly, I hurt myself even more. Why? Why do I have to be treated like this?

Maybe this is karma. Karma rebounding back on me. I had done things that are not meant to be forgiven. I had done things that never allows me to turn back and repent for it. I had done bad things. And now, whatever I had done is rebounding back on me. As I am writing this post, it is so hard for me to stop my tears from rolling down. My heart feels like it is going to be teared apart soon. It hurts so much. I don't know anymore. At this moment, I feel so helpless. I use to trust so much, but why do the trust have to betray me? I use to give chances again and again, but why does it have to betray me over and over again?

Should I just give up on trusting? It seems to be the best way to decrease the frequent pain I am feeling because of trusting too much. But it feels pain as well to stop trusting. I am feeling so helpless.

Dear Blog,

What should I do? :'( If crying can solve everything, I would cry as much as I want. But even though I am crying everyday now, the situation seems to get worse. It's nowhere near solving. I don't know anyone anymore. I got no one to rely on. No one to really trust. No one to depend on. No one to cry on. No one. Why does it have to be like this? I thought it would be something beautiful, something near miracle. But no. Everything is just a fairytale. Miracles only happen in fairy tales. In reality, you have no one to trust but yourself. You only have yourself. From the day you are born to the day you die. You only have yourself. And all the trust, all the beliefs, all the faith. These are all fake. It's only things that others say to make you feel better. But when it comes to reality, it's all fake.

I am getting so much pain. This pain is so much more painful than physically tortured. I cry myself to sleep every single night. I reminded myself, assured myself, over and over again, to let it go, just ignore it, let it go. But I CAN'T. Every single occurrence is torturing me. When I close my eyes, all that flip through my mind are all things that had done to me. And whenever I thought of those, I cannot help but ask myself :" Su Wern, why do you have to face all these? Why are you still so stubborn? Do you deserve all these?"

I know pain comes along with happiness. But the pain I receive is outweighing my happiness. Why is this happening? Is it because of me?

I don't know what I should do now. It's 4.00 a.m. in the morning. I got no one to talk to, except you, blog. If only you can talk, and tell me what I should do. Is it suppose to be like this? What should I do to make things better? Why am I feeling so much pain? Why....

Can I just cry.... Can someone just... lend me a shoulder...? :'(

Labels: Ranting

, 2:32 AM

Happy Belated Birthday Mommy! :D

Urm so the blogging mood comes at the weirdest time ever x.x anyhow, since I am so wide awake now *check time* okay it's 2.33 a.m. the moment I am typing this, I shall update my blog :) I shall bring out the vacuum and clean up all the dust hoho! It was already more than one week ago when I last updated the blog. So I shall entertain you with pictures as well shall I? :P

09.10.2010

It was my mom's birthday :D Happy belated birthday! Oh gosh it was already so long ago! No worries the next birthday would be mine aloha! Is it a good thing? Wait. I will be 20 in another 3 months time. OMIGOSH. I feel so terribly old now :'( Oh why am I ranting now? Aiks. Okay back to mommy's birthday :) So mommy looks young and we brought her a cake! :D We went to Secret Recipe and brought mommy a strawberry marshmallow cheese cake for her birthday :) It was a change of taste and the awesome-ness of the cake can still be felt in my tongue. Yummy!

Everything was so awesome until tomato messaged me and told me that he got a new laptop. You know what? I actually thought it was real until something in my head told me that something's not right.

"I GOT A NEW LAPTOP!"

"Omigosh really! :D"

..........

And that was the time I realised that the "new laptop" actually referred to MY laptop which I left in his car. Drove all the way to Old Klang Road to retrieved my laptop. Careless me x.x Pictures of the celebration! :D

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY MOMMY! *hugs*

Okay time for bed. 8.00 a.m. class later omigosh. Can they pretty please demolish 8.00 a.m. classes? How can we concentrate so early in the morning?! Awwwww....... Shall update more :D Tata!

Labels: Day

2010/10/10, 8:29 PM

Speed!

Hello! It had been a while :) I just went through an awesome exhausting week which I have totally no idea why it was so exhausting when the previous week's workload was so much more heavier than last week's. I guess it was the mental pressure I was having. But it's better now. Really hope the following week will be a bit more smoother so that my mind can be real clear to settle stuffs and etc.

I got tons of updates but I don't have the time to update every single thing now. Maybe some other days? It depends on how fast I can finish up the mountain of work though haha. But I will try my best to update when I can no worries :)

I think interpretive speech will be really fun. You really want to know what's in my mind? Haha! I kinda can't wait for it but the speech draft is a bit of a turn-off =/ And not forgetting it's the test week! I seriously screwed up both my previous tests and I really can't afford to screw any tests anymore :(

It's already the second week of October and very soon, everything will be over. Gosh this semester really speeds. No time to breath!

Labels: Ranting

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Welcome to my ranting ground. I write what I feel and I say what I think. Enjoy your visit here and if there's any technical difficulties, feel free to mail me at suwerndono@hotmail.com.

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Hey! I am Su Wern. 22nd January is my special day.
I am currently a Communication & Media Studies student, which is the most happening industry one can ever imagine :D

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11 Facts about Me:

1.) I am UNPREDICTABLE.
2.) I have rapid mood-changing issue.
3.) I possess strong curiosity.
4.) My main motivation to do things is base on my personal interest.
5.) Observant.
6.) I crap and talk a lot to my close ones.
7.) I fear the sea.
8.) I am very possessive.
9.) I am stubborn.
10.) I often think too much.
11.) I am very protective towards people I love.

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