:+ Moments +: 篠ユキ

Imprinting Footsteps One at a Time

2012-01-31T23:42:00.002+08:00

I had a very contented & meaningful week. Am not going to bombard you with pictures (yet) but I really can't wait to share with you the satisfaction I feel. Being surrounded by people actually means a lot. It possesses the power to influence and even to change you into - either a better person, or a person who's totally not you. I'm really glad to admit to the fact that I'm a person extremely hard to be brainwashed. Perhaps it was due to my egoism; the unexplained high level of self-esteem within me ever since I was in kindergarten, beating out guys and protecting girls sulking behind my back. Memories oh memories. But honestly, the feeling of protecting someone is really - indescribably - great, at least for me. I had been growing up with people putting heavy loads of expectations on me. It's really hard to breath. But I've grown up with it and I've somehow, gotten use to it. Perhaps I'm not the best person out there, but, after numerous self-reminders, I realized that I do not need to change myself into someone I'm not to impress others. That's really unrealistic, and fake, which I hate the most. I have different attitudes when I'm facing different people. Like what they said, there's nothing wrong with my personality. It's always been the same. What's different is the attitude. Because most of the time, I'm just giving back the attitude one person shows me. Equivalent exchange. They told me: Just be you. I said I know.

This is a very wordy post. Didn't intend to break it into paragraphs *smirks*. It's just a spill of thought. I've been thinking a little too much. I've got a lot of dreams. I have to admit this - I'm a dreamer. I've got so many things I want to achieve; so many things I want to do. The far-fetched ones, and the realistic slash logical ones. But I'm gonna take things step-by-step. Rushing into things makes me feel incredibly insecure. And I truly believe that if you want something, you have to pour in the effort to grab it. Of course, how we define effort is totally different. It's all up to you. That's why, if something comes your way fast, it will get out of the way fast as well. The faster it comes, the faster it goes. I know when it comes to things we want to do, or our dreams, we have this urge to grab it as soon as possible; we become impatient, as if our dreams will no longer be attainable if we don't grab it now. I don't believe in sudden wealth ("durian runtuh") and even it happens, it must be due to something I've done in the past. Call me old-fashioned. But I rather believe in something more believable. I love taking things one step at a time. It makes me feel the ground, allowing me to grip control. And I'm making sure that every single to-dos in my list will be ticked off at the end of the day.

Am looking forward to everything. Bring it on ;)

One Moment Please

2012-01-27T17:54:00.002+08:00

CNY is leaving me breathless. Will be back shortly with more updates. Stay tune! ;)

Dolphin-chan!

2012-01-20T23:30:00.000+08:00

Page 20 of 366. Today was simple, but meaningful. & I love it. And I have a new friend! Meet Dolphin-chan :) The heat & the weird weather transitions had caught my weak point. Being heat stroke is something I despise because it makes me hard to breath and I really dislike the feeling of being heavy-headed all the time. But this time, I was fortunate. Predicted by own health condition and went for cures before heat stroke attacked me. Rhino drink (it's actually called Three Legs Cooling Water but I prefer to call it otherwise heee). Best companion for me to prevent heat stroke.

Off topic. Anyhow, it was pre-birthday celebration today. I'm grateful. Every tiniest thing that had happened to me, I'm grateful that I've grown enough for me to be proud enough to turn 21st. It's just an awesome number but it just can't get off my head.

CNY approaching! Have you done your shopping? I'm planning to do it in a long-term basis so I guess my CNY shopping will never end ;)

Have a great CNY & let's welcome the red packets & the year of the gorgeous dragon!

p/s: Thanks for everything. I know it sucks to be with me but you had endured everything. I'm thankful & grateful for that :)

Page 15 of 366 - That One Friend

2012-01-15T23:32:00.003+08:00

Page 15 of 366. I've got no picture today but I've got a story to share. I used to be very insecure with my height. Short & small-sized (some called me petite). Blame the media, honestly. The way they portray the perfect women to be tall, skinny, & pretty. But honestly, nah to all. I used to think that there's no way I would be able to stand out with a size like myself until I went to National Service - 3 years ago.

There was this girl - small-sized, short, petite - whatever you want to call her. She's not extremely pretty or extremely smart but her personality is really cute. She was the leader of our dorm - despite her size - and she slept two bed away from me. I could say that she was the person who had totally changed my initial perceptions between the relationship between body sizes & standing out and she was also the person who had helped me to regain my confidence - despite my size.

Being my dorm mate, she was a really nice girl. She smiled and greeted me whenever we saw each other; she tried hard to strike a conversation whenever we were near each other; she was concerned when anything happened to me; she was a good friend. And, she was almost like this innocent girl-next-door which many would assume that she would be the behind-the-scene person. A normal girl in the shadow.

Being my leader, she was very serious with her responsibilities; she had this huge confidence which portrayed perfectly through her actions and her words; and she was strict. Real strict. It was like, she knew exactly what she was doing and she knew how to balance everything extremely well. I was really impressed. It was almost like two different persons, but somehow, it's also like the she was still same person. I really don't know how to describe this feeling.

Til the end of the camp, me and her were never really close to each other. We were merely a simple "hi, bye" type of friend but it is an undeniable fact that she had somehow - in certain ways - changed my thinking about certain things. And one thing that I'm most delighted was - even though we were not that close with each other, we are still able to strike up random conversation today without any difficulties or any awkwardness. Rather poetic, isn't it?

Relationship is a real mystery. Oh no, chemistry is :)

Do you have a similar experience/friend as me? I hope you do :)

Page 14 of 366

2012-01-14T23:29:00.003+08:00

Page 14 of 366. Suddenly, I feel like this I'm writing a diary cause of this whole project. You know how your personalities differ when you are with different persons? I have a different personality altogether when I'm with my family; with my friends; and with him. I even have different personalities when I speak a different language or when I'm alone. I believe that all of us have multiple personalities within us. It's kinda unavoidable, isn't it? But I also think that we have different segments in our lives as well. Like a pie chart, we have too many things we need to deal with - academic, work, relationship, appearance, etc. A lot of people like to set their lifelong goal as being "perfect"; but for me, there's no definite definition of "perfection" because "perfect" can mean so many different things to so many people. Your version of perfect might not be the same as my version of perfect. So I would always brush it off and say: "Hey, there's no such thing as perfection." which in my belief, is true. But I do believe in our own version of perfection. If you think you are good enough, you are good enough. Only you would know how much effort you had poured in to achieve certain goals. Thus, there's absolutely no need to compare yourself with others. Because what might work for them may not work for you.

But I do believe in being an "all-rounder". You would not need to be the best in everything. You just need to avoid yourself from screwing up anything. As simple as that.

So what's your take? Perfect? Imperfect? Nah.

p/s: I working towards it. Trust me :)
p/s2: We may not have the best past. But it doesn't matter. What matters is, are you willing to be better for the future? :)

Page 13 of 366

2012-01-13T20:50:00.002+08:00

Page 13 of 366. This is a one-year-project if I'm not mistaken. But my life isn't so fantastic so I decided to start just now. ~~and perhaps skipping a few when my day isn't too colorful~~. I'm going to talk about the weather. Yes. The weather. A rather random topic, perhaps to some, often a pick-up line, or a striking topic when one does not have anything to say. But honestly, I feel like the weather sometimes reflects my mood. I love cloudy & rainy days. I dislike sunny days. I love the breeze and the atmosphere cloudy days give me. I love spending my own sweet time in my room on cloudy or rainy days, doing absolutely nothing important, while spending time with a cup of hot coffee and indulging myself in my favorite music, book, or series. I love those moments when I have absolutely no responsibilities on my shoulders, and I'm free to do whatever I want. I love that kind of freedom.

Today was a cloudy day, and now, it's pouring outside. I can hear cars passing by on the damp road outside my window. It's a peaceful night. Everything seems to be so right yet so wrong at the moment. But at this exact moment, I'm happy and I'm feeling carefree. That's what it matters most.

Friday the 13th? Nah. It's just another day :)

Resolutions?

2012-01-13T11:19:00.000+08:00

13 days into 2012. To be honest, I'm not really a person who will list down my new year resolution. Even so, it always look the same - to be a nicer person, to excel in studies etc etc. My resolutions list always looks more like a lifetime resolution. Usually what I will do is accumulate wishes. Whenever I thought of something I want to do, I will jot it down somewhere and try to grant the wish for myself. I don't really disclose these wishes to anyone because I-got-no-idea-why I feel like these wishes are something very personal to me. They are not secrets, but, I just can't put in words how they make me feel.

It's a new year! Sincerely, I hope every single person is happy. And one certain ~~new year~~ lifelong resolution I've always embed within myself is the firm hope that no one will ever, ever get hurt because of me. The haunting past is really scary. We used to go through this phase when we have totally no idea of what to do with ourselves and with our lives so we just rush into everything without any second thoughts. And this was our growing phase when we tend to hurt people. I've learned. And I never intend to repeat my mistakes ever again.

Smile! :)

p/s: It's Friday the 13th. *gasp*

Haunting Past

2012-01-04T19:44:00.001+08:00

Am currently in this situation:- found out about one shocking news, but don't know if I should be happy or not. Actually I intended to start anew. Dwelling with the past will get me nowhere. But I guess I should be happy :) no matter what the situation will become, I'll definitely not give up in anything.

2011 Reflection

2012-01-03T14:57:00.000+08:00

2012. It had been quite a journey. 2011 was a year filled with challenging positivism. It was thrilling yet adventuring. Overall, I've learned a lot from 2011. All the challenges and risks I decided to take on. It all happened in 2011. And now, here I am, reflecting on the fruitful journey I had went through, chronologically.

Attempted Flash animation for the first time. Tedious task.

Attempted Multimedia software application for the first time. Another tedious one.

Wrote my very own documentary script on the evolution of Malaysian Animation. I wanted to do something else but I mistaken the assignment's scope. Slight regret there.

Wrote our very own movie script entitled "A Scripted Story". The romance genre is never my forte. Almost all the romance movies I've watched are so cliche I decided to hush it away. A great challenge to come out with something different yet interesting. But I'm quite proud of myself. The outcome was pretty awesome and I started to like the story I created ;)

Created my very own website surrounding the theme of natural disaster - tsunami. Water is my biggest fear. But I wanted tsunami because the moment I saw the title, I know I can create something beautiful from it. And I did. Very proud of my own underwater-themed website ;)

Being PR Director for our very own Advertising Campaign "Box Story". Creating something creative from the scratch is never easy. Simplicity is the most important yet the most difficult key to obtain. But it was one meaningful project. A huge success had proven a lot of things. Benchmark successfully created? ;) I wanted something contrast from my box to meet the ideas of "journey", "growth", and "outcome". Of course, to combine all those three ideas - in a simple way - through the presentation of a box is never easy. Imagine the numbers of scamps I've thrown away and drawn to get one single approval for myself. 5 out of 7 of my scamps were approved by Ms.N but the toughest decision for me to make was which is the one I wanted to do most. And the outcome? Am very happy with it ;)

Internship with Arcis Communications. Am glad I decided to try out PR before anything else. Personally, I think that PR is the combination of practically everything Mass Comm. and Marketing. During my internship period with Arcis, I've learned so much. Practical knowledge is nothing like theoretical knowledge. But of course, there's still room for improvement and I don't intend to stop anytime soon. Life is, after all, a non-ending learning journey. Am still indecisive on whether I will further pursue my career in PR but I will just go with the flow for now and try to learn more about everything before making that very important decision.

Graduated from Diploma (Mass Communication). I've managed to grab the one honor I had been hoping to bag. The honor of being the best student for my entire course. Nothing beats being the best of what you like to do best. I personally like the title a lot and it was such a huge relief the find out that whatever I've done had produced its very juicy fruits. A beautiful full stop for my Diploma and college life - An honored title and a CGPA of 3.97. Proud :')

Double invasion to Melaka with the unusual gang. Every holiday, we will never stop thinking of where we will be going for our short break. But for me, it doesn't matter where; what matters is who you are going with. These people had been enduring my attitude; been there for me during my worst times; and had always been the first to listen to all my problems while giving me a constant pat on the shoulder. I've got no better words to express how grateful I am to have them in my life. Thank you :')

Enrolled in University of Wollongong- Bachelor of Communication and Media Studies. This was a lightning fast decision I made. But who wouldn't considering the fact that the best decision had been placed right in front of you? I love Communications and Media. I'm never going to change to another course just because people say they are so-called "better". Let me define "better" for myself :) Degree was a whole new chapter of my life. I'm enjoying everything I'm learning. A new chapter, and a new aim. There are always goals for me to reach. And there's only one way to reach those goals :) When the results of my first degree semester was released, my heart literally skipped a few beats. Looking at the results, I felt that perhaps the decision for me to take all the risks was right after all. The sole idea of "just go with what your heart tells you" is really strong. I know myself well. I will never ever be able to do something I'm against with. The huge risks I've took during my first semester of degree had proven a lot to me. A heavy stone was lifted from my heart and I'm now very relieved :) Can't wait for the next semester.

Organized Shell FuelSave Day. First ever corporate-related campaign I've co-organized in a team of 4 (and of course, a whole bunch of helpful juniors!). Gained a lot from it as well, in terms of every single angle you can come out with. But the only thing that surprised me was my ability to juggle well between my studies and this project. I'm still proud of myself :)

Saw Shimokawa Mikuni and Ceui live in Malaysia. Right before my eyes. Can't believe my luck. Am hoping for more of these chances to come! :)

Of course, there are so many notable things that had happened in the year of 2011. It was one of the most happening year in my life. College - Internship - Degree. And a lot of perfect yet surprised moments in between. It was a wonderful year. 2012. I'm definite that I will be experiencing more wonderful moments yet again.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE! ;)

December'11 Tit-Bits

2011-12-27T23:30:00.002+08:00

December is coming to an end; in fact, the year of 2011 is coming to an end. Look at how the time flies! Anyhow, December had been peaceful yet fruitful. It's a well-spent month with me taking a lot of time off for myself and enjoying everything I'm doing in the same time. There's not much for me to update on how I spent my December in the peaceful way but I do have lots to say about the way I spent my December in an unusually meaningful way ;)

Comic Fiesta 2011 was awesome mainly because of the duet concert of Shimokawa Mikuni & Ceui. Never - in my entire life - I get the chance to see Japanese artists right in front of my eyes. Live. It was amazingly fabulous. Known both the singers beforehand, I was really looking forward to finally see them on stage. And truth be told, when the moment finally arrived, I felt so blessed. Honestly. Not exaggerating or anything but I seriously cannot believe my own luck. I thought that I would only obtain this chance if I fly all the way to Japan. But no. There they are, not more than 1 km away from me. We were not allowed to capture any photos & videos of the singers when they were on-stage so no photos :( But another thing that made CF 2011 awesome was the fact that I finally grab those long-awaited merchandises in my hands. Oh, the bliss! :') As usual, pictures will do most of the talking for me (although it seems like I've written a lot up there, aiks).

The fastest & easiest way to reach KLCC is definitely the LRT. Had been months since I've traveled with the LRT so here starts the nostalgic journey :)

The place was packed. Real packed. We were lucky we managed to even stepped into the hall. Barely unable to move inside, we can only follow closely behind the footsteps of the mass. Even if we tried to turn towards the opposite direction, it's totally impossible. Just like a fish trying to swim against the current. And in our case, we were indeed, the sardine fishes of the day. (Didn't get to take much pictures. Was so busy with the strolling & observing ;p)

Preparing for the start of Group Cosplay Competition

The scythe is ze want!

This was what we saw when we left @ around 3.00 p.m. Massive packed!

But overall, I had an amazing experience @ Comic Fiesta 2011. Will I be going again next year? It all depends ;) Some sneak peaks of my days in December up ahead! :) (Why am I lost for words? Language skill going down?!)

Dinner with family @ Ichiban Ramen, Sunway Pyramid

I've always love this lanterns. A must-have in my future room ;)

Dad's

Mom's

Both mine ;)

Dimsum Breakfast with Family @ Damansara Jaya

Tea Time with Family @ 1 Utama

And some of the new add-on in my possession ;)

Mint candies obtained from CF'11. Best company for shopping & working! ;)

New Japanese style 2012 Memo Calendar *loves*

Pikachu in CF'11 wristband. One cool ticket for one ACG fan. I still prefer my version - AMG ;)

That's it, folks! Next up - 2011 Reflection? Hmmmmmm possible, possible. Let's just see how things go, shall we? ;) Till then!

Lawyer vs PR Practitioner

2011-12-27T22:39:00.002+08:00

Believe it or not, when I was younger, I always wanted to become a lawyer.

Today, I'm not taking any law courses in my higher education; but surprisingly, I realized I've been walking on the same path I desired to walk when I was younger.

Being a Public Relations practitioner is somehow similar as being a lawyer, in certain ways. Just that the way of communicating & working of both PR practitioner & a lawyer is different. But they are the same, trust me.

Both are fighting for their client; both are trying to retain their client's reputation & credibility.

It's really surprising. And I thought I wasn't clear what I wanted when I was younger.

Thinking back, I realized that I actually do know what I wanted. When I was younger, I'm already well-aware with what type of person I want to become - I want to be a person who will always stand up for the right (or the weak); to be able to help them in gaining whatever they deserve to obtain. I always wanted to be some kind of a savior, even though I won't be recognized publicly in the end of the day.

Perhaps I really want to see people obtaining things they deserve; and most importantly, I want to see more happiness around me. And me, being able to lend a hand to give them a push, is just a magnificent thing to achieve.

There are many ways for one to help others; and they are many ways a PR practitioner can make others dreams come true. I know that a PR practitioner does not necessarily need to stay in the shadow remaining unknown for the rest of his/her career. A PR practitioner can also stand under the limelight, serving & protecting many, being their leader.

Whenever I thought of things I can do to help others & how much my strength & effort can change one's life, I'm lifted up instantly. And then I realized that I've chosen the right path all along. I have no regrets. And I intend to follow this path until I manage to help as many people as possible.

One thing that differentiate between a lawyer & a PR practitioner - a lawyer can't choose; but a PR practitioner can. I'm happy with the decision I made :)

Christmas '11

2011-12-24T04:21:00.002+08:00

It's Christmas Eve! :) Never had a proper Christmas celebration before but I've always adored the prettiness of Christmas. Things that popped up when someone mentioned Christmas:

Christmas tree
Snow
Presents
Santa Claus & his reindeer
Gatherings
Caroling
Pretty lights

And of course, a lot more! :) So I've managed to grab hold of Han's Christmas hat and this can only mean one thing: the Christmas series camwhore! :D (Please endure my craziness & narcissism. Christmas is only once a year! :P )

Will not be around on Christmas so here's an early MERRY CHRISTMAS! to all of you! No matter how big or how small your presents will be, remember to reward yourself during this pretty day! :)

Courage

2011-12-22T00:19:00.001+08:00

Then one day I told myself: This is the end. Even if it's not, I'm still insisting that it should be the end. It's a crucial period of reflection. I know every decisions made will make a certain extent of difference. And I should have the enough courage to face the differences. But first of all, I must have the courage to make the decision.

There's no such thing as "I'm starting tomorrow." because if you are sincere, you will start now. The next time, it will be so different nothing will be the same anymore. No, it shouldn't be the same.

You know, somehow, I do have the confidence. I don't know why but I do have the strength. And I think - perhaps that's more than enough? Yeah. Perhaps I'm not suited in certain kind of environments - or world - but I do know that sometimes there's no choice given. It's like an invisible force, an invisible whisper, telling me that there's only one road for me to walk on.

This society is becoming ugly. But, oh well.

Being Perfect

2011-12-20T01:14:00.001+08:00

I may not be the prettiest girl.
I may not be the smartest girl.
I may not be the tallest girl.
I may not be the girl who knows how to make everyone happy all the time.

I may had hurt my parents & my friends & even those who love me truly.
I may be annoying & unreasonable at times.
I may be immature & rebellious.

But I have to admit this - I'm human. And human learn from mistakes.
I'm learning. And I've changed.

I may be rebellious. But I still know where my heart belongs to - my family.
I may have a really bad temper. I may had shouted unreasonably.
I may be disrespectful at times.

But I'm changing.
Today, whatever I'm doing, I'm always putting my family first.

So don't put more pressure on me. I know what I'm doing.

I may not be the perfect person.
But at least I still know that my family is the most important in my entire life.
I'm dedicating my whole life to them.
I will never give up on them.

And at least, I got goals in my life.

I may not be the best. But I know exactly what I want in my life. And I think that's more than enough to be my own version of a perfect person.

And I will never ever forgive anyone hurting my family, who deserves more happiness than I do.

Endurance at Its Limit

2011-12-20T00:20:00.003+08:00

I solemnly swear that I will never, ever, fall for that trap again.
You wait. Karma will hit one day.

How I treat others depend on how others treat me. True story.

Happy is How We Define it to be

2011-12-17T23:35:00.001+08:00

These two days had been miraculously beautiful.

Unexpected exam results :)
Wardrobe updated.
Seen both Shimokawa Mikuni & Cieu LIVE. On-Stage. Here. In Malaysia :) Love both of them.
Updated jewelry box.
Updated wardrobe once again.
Room decoration layout idea pops up.
Updated collections.

Looking for pictures? Perhaps later. I'm so exhausted but I can't help myself to share my happiness here with you. I'm happy. I'm a happy girl :)

Curls & Stars

2011-12-16T23:11:00.000+08:00

A bit update before I bury myself in the piles of writing work left pending.

So I got my hair chopped off. And my fringe. And my curls (*pain*). I was quite surprised with my decision of letting go of my curls but, with the whisper of "Just do it.", I did it. Anyhow, it was really pleasant to realize that I didn't lose my curls entirely. The curls miraculously reappeared after I showered. I guess it's just the nature of my hair.

(~~what am I doing talking about my hair?~~)

But today wasn't solely a makeover ~~phase 1~~ day. It was also a day which I updated my wardrobe after a loooooooooooong time. And am going to continue over the weekends. Does 'updating the wardrobe' ring any bells to you? Yes. New Year & Chinese New Year. C'mon, it's a Chinese tradition we shall not miss! And, ~~no, no intention to remind myself~~ my birthday next year falls on the day of Chinese New Year Eve. Coincidence much?

Results, was... *speechless* Exceeded expectations, I would say :) Fingers-crossing worked. Am glad. Really glad :)

p/s: Tomorrow. A busy(?) day. But definitely a meaningful & fun one. Am already looking forward to it :)

Random

2011-12-16T00:20:00.003+08:00

Tomorrow's plan..

Cut off ze hair! :D

You Giving Me Lemon? I'll Give You Chili. The Chili Powder.

2011-12-14T18:11:00.002+08:00

I admit that I'm a very hard person to approach, and also a very hard person to talk to. But I never force anyone to talk to me. It's all up to your decision. Just one thing - if you're going to show me that kind of attitude as if I'm holding a shotgun on your forehead forcing you to talk to me, then I rather you not talk to me. It does not only pisses you off, it pisses me off as well.

Forcing people is never my league. If you are to approach me & talk to me nicely, I'm more than happy to use the same attitude you used to approach me back to you.

Talk about fairness *huge sighs* How do you expect me to talk to you nicely if you are using that attitude & tone as if you are not willing to talk to me with respect? I've got a limited patience, ya' know.

Holiday is Making Me Fat!

2011-12-13T00:25:00.002+08:00

My holiday contains 4 major tasks (besides sleeping & eating):

Work
Play
Relax
More eating

But practically, most of my time are spent facing the laptop, with constant outings here there with the bunch :) Well, might as well show the snippets of my days (here & there) through pictures heeee.

Dimsum @ Klang

Awesome Strawberry Milkshake @ Klang (Sneak peak of Abang Loong ;p)

One of those Curry Mee that I would never want to try again @ Klang.

And basically what I did at home, in my room: -

3 Pendrives, 2 Hard Disks, 1 NDS, 1 MP3. All connected to one USB Hub. Gadgets are ze bomb! :D

In case you had forgotted by face....

I'm Lim Su Wern I'm still weird as usual :)

Ooh! I went up to the temple too, for..... what else.

I'm in love with McD's new curly fries! I know it might be very little and it might not be worthy for me to add on another RM1.30 for this but I love this and it's all that matters :)

Traveling wouldn't be possible without him! ;)

My temple is a very nostalgic place for me. Had been going there in a regular basis ever since I was born. Magnificent place to visit! :)

And I saw this awesome Christmas-maze decoration in MidValley! Oooooh! Finally a real-life maze (although it's a small scale one).

I wouldn't say that my holiday is a total waste of time. Instead, my holiday is a fruitful one. I've found out a lot of things about myself and I'm seeking for a lot of solutions to be implemented. You might be clueless on what I'm talking about but that's just my way to conceal everything. I don't talk to anyone & everyone about my problems or my worries (even so, I would only talk about it when I need more assurance & reassurance) but I'm pretty sure that I'm strong enough to kick all these nonsense away. Hellya!

A loooooooog way more to go & my bucket of things-to-do is still full. So I might just continue ticking things off my checklist when I'm on it. Enjoy holidays too, folks! :)

p/s: By the way, Christmas is near! Who's up for some present-exchange & caroling session? ;p

Let Go

2011-12-06T01:48:00.001+08:00

“It’s hard to accept, but you can’t change the past. You can’t go back and manipulate things to the way you wanted them to happen. Because life’d be meaningless and boring and just not worth living. But you can change the future and that’s a beautiful thing about life. Yes, you will make mistakes. And yes, you will have bad days - but as long as you let the past go, you’ll have such a gorgeous and bright future ahead of you. Knowing that things were meant to happen. Knowing that each day you will learn something so that you keep growing to be a better person. Life is like a rope, twined in all its complexities and yet weaved into one marvelous stream that you have the chance you use something amazing from.”

Need.To.Let.Go.

Ola, December 2011

2011-12-01T00:40:00.001+08:00

This time, I did not lose my sense nor track of time. But I just can't help it....

It's December already?!

There goes another year. Owh man. Next year is my BIG year, and I'm so not gonna ruin it.

It's December. I'm gonna spend this whole month working, playing, enjoying, & goofing around like nobody's business.

I've still got some business with you, 2011. Stay there, don't move.

Blue Ranger

2011-11-30T01:20:00.001+08:00

Blue is the coolest color - the color of sky & sleep. A pure blue is the color of inspiration, sincerity & spirituality. Blue is the calming color. Wednesday's color is blue.

A random thought of the color blue. Don't get me wrong, my all-time favorite color is still purple. But perhaps the color blue is the color I need now. The color of calmness. ~~But one of the reason why blue is not my all-time favorite color is because it represents twilight. And I'm not a twilight person. Thus...~~. Sometimes I hope I'm extremely busy at all times so that I can at least distract myself from thinking too much. But I'm always only busy during the daytime. The night is a bit too quiet. And I.can't.stop.myself.from.thinking. Sleeping it off never helps. Because eventually it will become a nightmare and ending up ruining my whole night.

So yeah, blue for now.

No electricity for 8 hours later! How am I going to survive? D;

I shall keep myself busy...... I seriously don't know.

Now, heading off to midnight assignments.

Tik tok, tik tok.

Paranoia

2011-11-29T02:54:00.001+08:00

I'm impatient at times. But this time, it's nothing to do with my impatience.

The waiting process is the worst process one can go through.

Sometimes I despise my sense of reality. But I just can't help it.

The night is long. A bit too long.

And today, tonight, I still ask myself - Why do I still care? Let go. I.need.to.let.go.

Day & Night: The Controlled & Uncontrolled

2011-11-27T23:59:00.001+08:00

Just a thought. I'm currently hooked on with Nura and it makes me wonder a lot. And perhaps it's proven true as well. But let me share with you first.

Have you ever wonder if our inner personality is separated into two parts?
Or have you ever thought of the fact that we are actually having two known personalities of ourselves? Inner and Outer.

Of course. Most will be aware of their outer personalities and have well control towards them, such as the personalities we want to portray to others or the personalities we want to hide within ourselves. Those are personalities we can ~~somehow~~ control. In certain situations, of course.

But there might be a possibility that we might also possess certain inner personalities that are out of our control. Nura told me that our inner personalities might be divided into two parts, and the factor that determines the 'coming-out' of our inner personalities is the time of the day, specifically, day and night. So Nura said - during the daytime, we are definitely well aware of our personalities and we might have absolute control over it. We know perfectly well how we want to show ourselves, how we want ourselves to think, and how to stop ourselves from thinking about certain things we don't want to think; but during the nighttime, that's the time when our personalities start to lose control. Whatever we don't want to think about, whatever we don't want to show, all will be shown. All will be revealed. I personally think that's pretty torturing. But it's somehow the real thing. As in, the real us. Our own emotions and feelings, hidden well within us, controlled well within us during the daytime. But there are still limits on how much we can control. And when the limit is reached, the demon inside us takes over control, and then... BOOM! Uncontrolled personalities & emotions.

Perhaps everyone's case is different with mine. But for me, it's true. I can't fight over the nighttime. No matter how hard I attempt to control my emotions, it's just too hard. Silence & darkness.

I don't dislike nighttime. Perhaps I prefer the nighttime more. No matter how suffering & torturing it is, it's still the real me, and I'm more than prepared to accept whatever personalities I have.

Well, just a thought. It's nighttime now. Thus, crap.

Mother Nature Within Us

2011-11-24T21:53:00.001+08:00

Unedited pictures of Klang's sky - approximately at 7.00 p.m.

I never know Klang's sky can be so beautiful. Or rather, I never know the sky can make such an awesome view. I don't really look at the sky, with the exception of me traveling in a car or when I'm just spacing out. Mother nature is pretty amazing, isn't it? Sometimes our lives had been occupying our minds, and we constantly forget to stop for a while, take a short break, and look at things we used to ignore. We learn new things everyday, undeniably. Today, when I stepped out of the "box" and looked at the sky, I realize that life is not all about what we want to achieve, but it's also about what matters to us, and what's surrounding us.

It's pretty fascinating, isn't it? :)

The holidays had been treating me fairly well. This time, time is on my side. And when I come to think about it, I realized that it's about time I take a short break from everything. We never know what will happen tomorrow, so I might as well live life to the fullest ~~with constant reassurance~~. My holidays is all about traveling, food, leisure, entertainment, socialization, and a whole lot of other things that I did not have the chance to pursue & catch up with. Giving my brain & my mind some break would be a great thing (or rather, a great decision). Getting out of my "mind box" now perhaps might just be the best solution.

It's only the 3rd of the holidays. I've got a loooooooooong way to go :)

p/s: I've got a pretty bad nightmare yesterday. Again, it was a dream about me being hunted & chased. I've read about dream interpretation and I know that this type of dream has something to do with stress & pressure. And the funny thing is - I'm on a long holiday.

All-In

2011-11-22T00:10:00.001+08:00

My first semester of degree officially ended ~~today~~ yesterday, to be precise, looking at the time now (12.09 a.m.). I'm haunted by the same feeling & emotion all over again. Every.Single.Time. I can't seem to shake this feeling off but seriously, it's devouring me and now it's digesting and spreading in me all over again.

Honestly speaking, I've taken huge risks in my first semester of degree. I've challenged everything. Most importantly, I've challenged myself. Answering if I've won this challenge or not, it's still a question mark yet to be answered and I definitely want to know it. As soon as possible. Because it's really driving me crazy. I'm not really regretting all the decisions I've made because I know I made them all for a reason and I know that was what I really wanted to do. The feeling is like placing an 'all in' on the gamble desk, and waiting for the final cards to be flipped over. It's really nerve-wrecking.

3 months holiday. I know perfectly well what I'm going to do in these 3 months. I've been continuously on the go for the past one year and I think I really deserve a break. Perhaps the no-rest journey had been wearing off my energy, and I'm exhausted. I just need a break. Desperately needing one. So that I can just clear my mind off unnecessary emotions and just dig in to what is good for me.

I do not want to place any bet. I will just wait for the next card to be flipped over first.

Call Me Later

2011-11-20T15:19:00.001+08:00

In the middle of night
I was far from the flight
They freely pass me by

Then I'm totally out of space and seeking my friends
Is there anyone who needs me?
I hear what you say
There's the tiniest hope
You can change yourself
If you want to
Then you find the door
We can walk from the past
I was a frog in a well

Smile like you've never done
I'm so fine
Then you hold me tight under bad weather
If you understand why
I was crying on the river
So dwell on my self
All the time

And you follow the light
I was far from the flight
They freely pass me by

Then I'm totally out of space and seeking my friends
Is there anyone who needs me?

I hear what you say
There's the tiniest hope
You can change yourself
If you want to
Then you find the door
We can walk from the past
I was a frog in a well

Smile like you've never done
I'm so fine
Then you hold me tight under bad weather
If you understand why
I was crying on the river so
Dwell on my self
All the time

Now, Some Real Update (16/11/11)

2011-11-16T11:04:00.001+08:00

OLA! :D I've got a love-hate relationship with my hair. Sometimes it's all over the place and no matter what I do it won't stay obediently in shape; and sometimes it curls to the perfect shape that I want. Time to slaughter my fringe :P

So how's everything? (Typical ice-breaking conversation) I'm having my really, really short break now before facing the last battlefield of Business Communication and this carefree break is definitely not making me any motivated. I feel like the whole semester just ended and I'm currently enjoying my holiday.....NOT. Paranoid to the extreme! The worst part is knowing that you can do nothing about it is definitely heart-throbbing. But, oh well.

Recently I'm thinking of the major I'm currently pursuing. It's not hard to understand why people tend to be unimpressed when I tell them that I'm a Communication student. Well, you see, doctors save lives; engineers invent new machines for a better lifestyle; what about communication? Undoubtedly, I would say it's really awesome and I really like what I'm studying but when I look from a viewpoint of 'benefiting mankind & society', it makes me stumble. It's not really clean, honestly. And constantly, I feel like this industry is often the tool. Yes, it makes drastic changes, but, will they all really benefit everyone? "Advertising makes people buy things they don't need." Hmmmm.

Well, anyway, let's skip this talk about education mankind now and talk about my life instead. There's so much to update I don't know where to begin! So the best way I've figure out is to give you tit bits of what had been happening.

And so, we had this 'mock pitch' for an AirAsia account and we won :) The gift? Chocolate. Currently still residing in my fridge. Untouched.

Later that weekend, I strode straight off to Melaka for a short visit :) I had one Media Audience Research Proposal due next week & Global Network Presentation to prepare. So imagine me bringing my work back to my hometown. Real awkward. But guess what? I survived. Not sure if I've done awesome, but I survived. And that's the only thing that matters :)

The Yong Tau Foo in Melaka is reaaaaaaaaally nice! Affordable price with fresh materials. Please do try our if you are planning to visit Melaka for the coming holiday! :D

And guess what, I found this really nice tree decorations in a seafood restaurant by the beach :)

Colorful lights on the trees & awesome moon! (Proud having a camera with awesome night vision :P)

(Okay I seriously losing my focus here so I might just stop it right here. For now.)

WILL BE BACK! :D

One Fruitful Thought

2011-11-09T06:09:00.003+08:00

Final presentation done (barely survived the tiring few days back traveling tro & fro Melaka & leaving my bed for 2 consecutive days)! Now with only one report & finals left and am done with my first degree semester. I won't write too much on how I feel for my degree but I would just sum it all up with one word - fruitful. Degree has push me up & urged me to grow up more. It was definitely no easy task but I enjoyed every moment of it. Education is really fun, isn't it? :)

(I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to put down Media Audiences & Global Network yet).

One of the two new subject I met this semester and am loving every single bit of it although it was really mind-twisting and challenging. But I've took every risk I planned to take and I've got no regrets :)

It's 6.06 a.m. and I'm awake. A full blast 12 hours sleep. Everything was paid off :)

Have a good week, everyone! :)

p/s: Today is a holiday for me and I don't intend to do anything else but rest & play. I deserve it hoho!

No More Lingers

2011-11-02T22:18:00.000+08:00

I used to have this really bad habit of being too involved with my past (that explains the ultimately high expectations towards myself), but somehow, I got a huge slap in the face almost 3 months ago, telling me to wake up and stop looking backwards.

I think I would prefer to let go now. Lingering too much on it will do me no good. I've started to begin anew, and I find the result awesomely amazing. There's less stress & pressure in myself now but the best part is the fact that I am able to do everything willingly which returns results exceeding my initial expectations. I'm really glad, somehow.

I've seen people still lingering to their pasts. I used to. But I think I've changed a little after the huge slap, realizing that things have changed and lingering to the histories will definitely not help. So I decided to step my foot on the present ground and do what I want to do now. I want myself to get out of the darker side of my history self and held my chins high for now, because being involve with anything from the past makes me overthink so awfully much. What I'm going to do now is just to learn from what had happened, and make the best out of it through the reality I'm in now.

Yeah. I think that's what I'm going to do.

Genuine Support

2011-11-02T17:22:00.004+08:00

There would always be one very special lesson we will gain through every experience we went through. True, useful & meaningful journey is one thing, but what I mean is one very special element in an experience is the one that will give you the real satisfaction.

Previous campaign, no doubt, had given me lots of useful knowledge about all sort of things - depending on the angle you look at it - but personally, I think that the most meaningful experience I had obtained was bonds. It's not easy for people to trust you, especially when you owe them something; but for people to actually giving you the support and being nice to you even when you owe them something huge, that's really something.

That's what we call real support. Something that people give you in the hope to help you, not solely for themselves. Honestly, this type of support is definitely nearing extinction.

A huge thank you. Sincerely.

Reality & Dream Escapade

2011-10-30T13:08:00.004+08:00

I've got the weirdest dream ever. Weird but sweet. It had been a long time since I wished to remain in a dream, with the strong rejection towards reality. I don't know about others but a person like me - a true Aquarian, mind you - cannot stand things to be too common all the time. I'm still a free soul and I'm still yearning for changes and more different & heart-pumping experiences & adventures.

These days, I find myself moving back to the beat of music. The memories in music I love are very strong & influential. Honestly, it helps me escape reality and when I came back, I felt like a huge burden & worries had been lifted off my shoulders.

Reality is boring. I ought to make things more interesting. Starting with a vacation with the love ones :)

Music Taste

2011-10-29T20:17:00.003+08:00

Let's talk about music. We always relate music to trends. But for me, personally, I don't listen to musics base on the trend. What matters to me is the meaning behind the song, and of course, in certain cases, the person singing the song. Thus, usually music/songs from certain movie/series tend to move me more.

One thing I really adore from anime is not the artwork - besides the plot lines - but also the voices behind the characters. I adore them as professionals in the creative industry, despite having to go through all types of training just to qualify themselves as part of the creative industry, and to obtain as many chances and experiences they can to reach a kind of celebrity status. The context I mean here is the context of Japan. In Japan, voice actors/actresses have the same celebrity level as the common celebrities we know.

I find them really amazing. Just through voices, they create a lot of meanings to everything. To become a seiyuu in Japan, you must be able to sing, to act, to host programs, and to voice-over in the same time. It's no easy job. And I can totally understand why people adore them. For me, this job is a respectable job not anyone can try out for.

Coming back to music, I am often moved towards meaningful (or emotionally-attached) character songs. Because I went through the whole journey, the songs produced actually give me more meaning than any other popular music in the society. I'm not a person who seek to be in-trend and everything. Let me share you a song.

This is a character song by Saariya from the Otome Visual Novel "Garnet Cradle". It's one of my favorite character songs because I can really feel the meaning and emotion behind this song, as I had went through the whole story plot. (You can't imagine how heart-pumping it was when the song appeared in the ending of the story).

I don't really look at the trend of music, but the meaning behind the song. How about you? What's your music taste :)

Friends Worth Keeping

2011-10-28T22:59:00.003+08:00

It's a short but important statement:

It's awesome to have friends who you can totally be yourself with them and who you know will stick with you through thick and thin. Friends who make you smile when you are stressed, depressed, or down. Friends who help with a sincere heart without hoping anything from you. Friends who care for you from the bottom of their heart. Friends who listen to you and take you seriously even when you don't make sense. Friends who know you are crazy but feel completely comfortable when they are with you and don't mind spending crazy times with you.

These are friends worth keeping.

Thanks, boys :)

Diwali!

2011-10-26T11:43:00.002+08:00

Laptop discharged sweet and awesome :) I knew you would never fail me! Heeee!

Happy Deepavali for all who are celebrating! I want murukuuuuuuu! :D

There is this sense of insecurity that had been haunting me for a while now. And it's really disturbing. Sometimes I find myself unable to think straight. Perhaps there's too much distraction? Or it's just my problem for unable to focus? I'm hating this feeling.

Stress, please don't fail me again :(

Assumption Really Kills

2011-10-24T19:22:00.002+08:00

Am currently typing on a small lappy. My lappy was finally sent to the 'hospital' and will be discharging tomorrow :(

7 hours straight of classes today. I guess most of us are exhausted after the non-stop lectures. But somehow, I prefer it this way. Don't ask me why, perhaps I'm just weird.

Something I learned - be yourself. No matter what, be proud of who you are. Don't assume. Because sometimes your assumption just doesn't match the reality. So, don't think. Just be who you intend to be. And everything will definitely be awesome :)

(It's not that I no longer care. But sometimes I'm just too tired of meeting other's expectation so now, I will meet my own expectations instead. At least there will be no regrets. And yeah, at least I've done things I want to do.)

My Dearest Lappy

2011-10-21T22:13:00.003+08:00

This might sound silly but I want to dedicate this post to my laptop. I am currently typing on a laptop who had been through thick and thin with me. A laptop who had never failed me. A laptop who endured all my inconsideration. A laptop who had always make me proud.

Now, this laptop of mine is facing physical injury. It occurred to me on the importance of this laptop. I cannot afford to lose him. And I know even though I replace him with another laptop, the feeling would never be the same again.

This laptop of mine - he had been contributing so much for me; had been tolerating with me; had been going through thick & thin with me; had been through countless all-nighters with me. I honestly don't know how should I go through everything without him. And most importantly (yes I'm repeating myself) he never fail me.

My laptop had been facing countless physical injuries within the 2.5 years (since June 2009) in my possession. But he survived. He always do. And this time, I know he will do the same as well :)

A Look-back

2011-10-20T20:22:00.003+08:00

(No. This post is not to update on recent happenings.)

When I was in primary school, I stumbled upon this question that kept repeating in my head:"Why am I here?" Surprisingly, this one boy, are really tall - or more known as the most well-known guy in the whole school at that time - who sat beside me in class asked me the same question that had been confusing me:"Have you ever wonder why you are you?" Being honest, I answered 'yes', but it was really surreal, because I never know the answer, and I don't think that at that moment of time, I would be able to obtain any answers by solely thinking about the question. So I dropped it. The amazing fact is that I was not alone. There were people who was as weird as I am. I tried asking others and all I get was bewildered expressions from them and a look telling me that people thought that I was sick in the mind.

When I was in my primary years, everything was so different. I was so different.

When I was in my secondary years, everything changed. I no longer ask myself the same question and I decided to just go with the flow and move on with life. I was not the best student during my secondary years compared to the me in my primary years. But I was happy. I found myself doing everything I wanted to do and I felt freedom within me. At that time, I simply ignored others perceptions towards me. I simply did not care. I was free. Doing everything I wanted to do without any restrictions or boundaries. It was the best time of my life.

When I was in my secondary years, I was the person who seek for ultimate freedom.

When I was in my college years, everything changed. Again. All of a sudden, I felt this sense of responsibility within myself. And so, I collected the shredded pieces of myself and started all over again. I had my freedom physically, but I did not feel that I was freed emotionally. There was always a missing piece in my heart and I was stroked by constant confusion and frustration because at times I simply did not know exactly what I wanted. I felt so much restrictions. I wasn't happy. But I succeeded. I made everyone proud and happy.

When I was in my college years, I was thinking about choices & decisions. I was no more going with the flow.

Now, I am glad that I've started university. But I am having a mixed feeling within me. A mixed feeling consists of all the questions I had in myself. "Why am I here?" There's a lot of contradictions within me. Then, I find myself yearning for a new environment. I need a change. Like the change from primary to secondary and from secondary to college. I find myself unable to proceed being stuck in the same environment. But the most frustrating part is, I know that being in the same environment is somehow, a good thing for most of the people around me.

Sometimes I wonder - then what about me?

Life is really complicated.

Woots!

2011-10-16T21:00:00.003+08:00

I've got tons to update!

Graduation
Events
Rants
Daily stuff

I'll be back! :D

Definitions

2011-10-05T17:59:00.006+08:00

Define "unique".
Define "cool".
Define "happiness".
Define "special".
Define "priority".
Define "like".
Define "love".
Define "want".

How many definitions can you come out with? Karma knocks on my door and I'm really glad. All the worries and frustrations had been addressed.

I can now do whatever I want :)

Think First

2011-10-04T23:27:00.005+08:00

If it hurts you when you heard those words, it would probably hurt others too.

It's easy to just say "get over it". But whenever words are being spoken, it's impossible to be retrieved back. It's not a "no offence" or a "I'm sorry I didn't mean it" thing.

Everyone has feelings. And it is unfair for anyone to be judgmental towards anyone. If you do not like to be judged, others would not like it too. If you are being hurt in statements made by others about yourself, others would feel hurt as well.

Think before blurting out hurtful words. Even if words are not transmitted verbally, written words hurt too.

These days I had been feeling awesomely imbalance. Everything is not right. Constricted and restricted. Judgmental - something I despise, and will despise, for the rest of my life.

Oh, really?

2011-09-30T00:37:00.002+08:00

What I can't stand:

Wannabes - with no concrete arguments; just pure wannabes.
People stepping on others as if they are his/her slave.
People who purposely make others look bad - just to position themselves in a more superior position.
People who show off just because they want to show their "power" of being better - when they are not.

In short - insensitive people who acts superior and ruin everything.

And the list goes on. When you had seen everything, you will know. Who had been putting in the most effort and who deserve some recognition. And this really boils me up.

We are born the same. Even if you are a leader, please understand this very simple and basic statement. Seriously, when will this type of repetitive situation ever ends?

Urgh

2011-09-27T23:06:00.003+08:00

It's seriously getting on my nerves. Would really appreciate it if it ends now. As in, NOW.

Pissed.

But seriously, what am I doing actually? This is complete nonsense.

Just Be Happy

2011-09-25T21:57:00.006+08:00

It had been a long time since I last participated in a walk/run/marathon. It was a great relieve. But I'm not going to talk about it in this post (yes, I realized I have a lot of posts pending aiks).

Layout changed. I was thinking of going back to the way I used to blog. Reading back old posts makes me realized that my writing style has changed. Even the mood of writing. I feel like I've lost my 'innocence' in blog-writing, which is kind of defeating the purpose.

What I need most is time I can spend in my room by myself. Too much to catch up and to much to be remembered. But hey, time is not stopping for anyone, and if you have a reason like I do, don't stop. But don't rush it as well, because we all know that resting is a preparation for a longer journey. And that's exactly what I need to do at times like this. Pressuring myself is definitely not going to work.

Just be happy :)

What I need now is time. Oh how I hope there's 48 hours per day, or that my stamina can help me to stay up longer :(

Random:

Won two movie premier tickets from lucky draw. Can't believe my luck.
Fed hamsters apples. They love it. I love it too! :)
I want to sleeeeeeep! *snores*

With Those Eyes

2011-09-24T23:55:00.001+08:00

And ever since they last met, nothing had changed.We were young and immature, but we had fun. We were happy.

And ever since the last time I spoke to you, nothing of you had changed.You had the same voice that makes my heart goes crazy.

We were happy. Both of us.

And when I saw you, you reminded me of everything about myself.About what I had lost in myself; and what I was supposed to be.

And when I saw you, I can't even look into your eyes.Because I had changed. You hadn't.

And this is tearing me apart.

But you - being you - are still compassionate; still strong; still filled with love.And you, are still the only one who can bring me this love, this crazy heart beat, and this warmth.

We were young. We were immature.But we were happy.

And seeing you today - the unchanged you - is bringing me back to reality.It's my reality now.

My reality with you.

Piece of thought. I miss you, dear friend :(

The One Who Had Taught Me About...

2011-09-19T22:20:00.004+08:00

Guess who's birthday is it today? :P

It's daddy's birthday today! :) Couldn't be more excited. Especially when I feel the positive flow of atmosphere in the house telling me that everyone is soaked in happiness!

Will update more when I've compiled everything!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY! :D

Down the Path

2011-09-17T00:02:00.003+08:00

Insanely exhausted. I now have purple and burning red eyes looking down at me while I relax on my bed. The worst moment is not knowing what to do, is knowing something's wrong but have no idea at all on what had went wrong. Seriously.

But most importantly, I know I had done my best and if there are still faults marching towards me, I will move on. Just like what he said:

"As long as I'm breathing, I will continue to walk my path. I will continue walking."

It's good to have my own reality back instead of living in other's. That's just insanely wrong.

Now off to my bed - Reminiscing the wonderful dreams - my personal treasure.

Once A Burning Flame

2011-09-15T21:11:00.003+08:00

Been running to the lavatory like a mad cow, accompanied by non-stop sneezing, leading to dizziness. I'm suspecting the rain yesterday but who am I to blame the weather?

Went to MATIC ( Malaysia Tourism Center ) for a field trip yesterday. Culture dances are good! :)

I got my old fire back and I intend to keep it with me. Safely in my pockets this time.

Such a dummy I am to leave something important behind me. The whole reason I had been losing my inspiration - further losing myself in the process of trying to be better but forgetting who I am in the first place. If you feel like you are losing yourself, this is what I can recommend you to do -

Read your old diaries; watch movies you love in the past; read books that you will never get tired of reading it for the hundredth time; look at ancient pictures that you once cherished.

Look at these details, and discover how much you had missed out; how much you had left behind.

In the end of the day, I'm not afraid of telling the whole world who I am, because I've got nothing to hide. Always be true to myself; and remember why I am so passionate in the first place.

Perhaps one day, I will reach that unattainable goal and a totally new life - a life that I once desired so much.

Long Ride Dream

2011-09-12T23:03:00.002+08:00

I had a great time reminiscing the past. It's fascinating how things can be so different today and yesterday.

5 years.

Is it a long time? Perhaps. But maybe not.

I can only be sure that I was a lot more contented 5 years ago.

No dramas, no pressure. And it seemed that "trust" can blend in more easily during those times.

And I still prefer the dream I used to have 5 years ago. Reality hits. I have to really bear in mind that it's still possible. But everything must be done one step at a time.

Sometimes I dislike making decisions. Especially the ones between you can, you need, or you want.

I want, but I can't. The feeling of 'so near yet so far' is really unpleasant.

Looking back - 5 years ago, precisely - everything was so straightforward, so easy, so contented. And there was a specific goal - one that I really, really wanted to achieve. It's not that I do not want it anymore now. I still do. But somehow - reason(s) unknown - it's becoming further and further away. I despise it. Despising the fact. I wonder why is everything becoming so complicated? Or mainly because I living in other's hope instead of my own? Fulfilling other's expectations of what I will become instead of pursuing what I really want to become.

That's why reality is challenging.

5 years ago, I still remember the best team I've ever worked with in my entire life.

No dramas. Everyone is committed. And we treat each other like we are brothers and sisters.

That was a real team, I call it. Never a team more perfect than the one I worked with 5 years ago.

From strangers to close friends - a team. A sudden leap. But somehow, the trust remains. Blossomed without the need to input extra effort.

Isn't that what a team should be?

I would really want to retrieve the dream I had 5 years ago. The far, unattainable, yet real & contented dream.

The long ride really made me wonder :)

Boo!

2011-09-07T14:47:00.004+08:00

Blasting my ears with nostalgic soundtracks; working with two laptops in the same time - one for entertainment and one for work; having coffee beside me; and having my Wednesday afternoon all to myself.

Ever since the holiday ended, something is wrong with me. Perhaps it was because of an incident from Monday, which was supposed to be resolved by this week but I'm assuming that it will be dragged to the next. Emotional imbalance. Especially when I have my precious alone time with me. I despise myself for thinking too much, and for some reason, this often lead to unnecessary stress & pressure, which is definitely not the best resolve one could find. But sometimes you know, I can't help myself. I admit that I do not have the capability to control everything, sometimes even myself. It's hard to control how one feel, because no matter how much you want to avoid it, there will definitely be some part of the body that will stay honest.

Hard, isn't it?

Lecture today mentioned about the old-times. It reminded me so much on all the crazy things I did in the past 10 years. Even now, I still do collect things I adore in the tangible form. Even though I can get it without any cost, but it's still awesome to have the feeling of touching something realistic instead of looking at digital data. Personally, I feel very cheated and unreal. I still prefer the tangible feel :)

It's a hot day! Get yourself some ice beverage and enjoy your day doing everything you like :)

(I feel like I'm defeating my own purposes. That feeling sucks. )

September Swift

2011-09-01T12:44:00.005+08:00

The leap from August to September had not been treating me good. Landed myself in dizziness and temperature rise, along with mental and emotional sickness. Honestly, the worst sickness is when you are both physically and mentally/emotionally tortured.

But am curing now. Just hope the flu, headache, and sore throat swiftly rush their way out. Is this something got to do with me being a couch potato for the past few days? Aiks this is definitely not good. (Or good?)

It's already Thursday! Look at how the time flies. I still remember Tuesday vividly, or it was because most of my Wednesday was spent on the bed? Pfft. But anyhow, I know September will treat me good, it better be.

Happy September, everyone! :)

Edit:

Am supposed to write about Snowdonia. No idea what's that. So I did a bit of research. Apparently, it is a region in north Wales and it was the National Park. Hmm hmmm.

Double Celebrations!

2011-08-30T22:23:00.002+08:00

Ola! First and foremost....

Happy Raya & Happy Merdeka!

Double celebration woots! This holiday is definitely trying to pull me away from the reality. Shoo away unnecessary and peripheral thinking!

No to violence & horror. Just watched Conan the Barbarian and I honestly think I've just thrown money down the drain. Aiks!
Laptop with me whole day long. I hope it won't burst into flames. ~~Impossible~~. This reminds me, I need a new keyboard protector. Previous one went missing :'(
Visitor in the house! Although I'm missing most of the time, but am still loyal to home :P

Nice movies, where art thou?

Couch One Week Potato

2011-08-29T22:16:00.006+08:00

Degree is really giving me a hit! It's kinda imbalance, no? Focus & emphasis in the wrong sectors. Flip up & down! But am coping with it and definitely finding it interesting. Like I said, imbalance. A bit too much there and a bit too little there. Sometimes I don't even know how to manage my priorities correctly.

"She needs to sort out her priorities."

Quote by Weasley can be applied heavily on me these days. Everything seems to important and everything seems not important. Owh man, I sure hope there's a balance in everything. Give & take :)

One week holiday starting today! What's your plan? I know mine! -- Gonna stay at home and be an obedient couch potato. Books; games; musics; series; TV. Guiltiness should stay out of my door step for these one week! Till then!

Emotionally Unpredictable

2011-08-17T14:32:00.003+08:00

Emotionally imbalance. At certain times I will just go "__________". Hibernation. I can feel the brain working, twisting, building up more juices and junks. But emotionally and physically, everything just go numb.

Have you ever been in a situation when you do not know how to resolve the conflicts between yourself? I do. Almost all the time. Terrifying, isn't it? But it has become something so natural to me that it accompanies me wherever I go.

Am I going to have split personalities soon? Or perhaps I already have split personalities.

There are times when I simply don't care. Throwing the conflicts and confusions aside. Forgetting. Powerful, but with consequences.

Is that the right thing to do? At that moment, it seems to be the right thing to do. But how about the consequences?

I'm no superior than others. I just want to answer to myself. To do things that I won't regret.

Sometimes people pat me on my shoulder and say :"You are too much of a fighter." I agree. But I'm not a fighter to defeat or compete with anyone. I'm a fighter for freedom and peace. Internal peace. Peace of mind. I only urge for something that will not disturb the balance of my emotion. And sometimes I choose to back out. To ignore. And to forget (if can).

Time will solve everything. Some stuff dissolves over time. Some take years. Some never. But when I know that no one is taking any steps in resolving the issue, I will take my step. And no one can say anything. Because I'm trying. You don't.

It's simple. The advice I always remind myself: "Don't think too much. Just do what you think is right. Answer to yourself."

And yes. No matter how much we try to change, we will always be ourselves. There will still be certain elements that only you possess. I'm so complicated. I doubt anyone will understand me.I change too constantly. Some people told me I'm the most unpredictable person they've ever met. It's an Aquarian trait haha!

Cheers! :)

Recently

2011-08-17T01:04:00.005+08:00

Recently, I've been slapped my someone. Not physically, but mentally. Reality.

Recently, I stopped thinking too much and analyze too much.

Recently, I've been only doing things my heart tells me to do, no matter what's the consequences are.

And surprisingly, the outcome is great. I'm happy. After so long, I'm actually... happy.

Happy. Not in the sense of having the best, positive mood all the time; but it's the fact that I feel that I had been doing things that I want for myself. Things that I feel right. Things that will work most. And most importantly, everyone is happy. I am happy.

And it makes me think. This time in a good way of analyzing things.

And I realized that I got the answer all along, just that my egoism had overtook me and blinded me from seeing the solution to everything.

Don't compare with others. I had been compared for the rest of my life and this time, I only have one person I want to compare with -- myself. Because I have only myself to answer to. No one else.

Self-reminder: Always be myself. Don't die a copy. Be original.

p/s: A lot of issues like.... this. Stop stepping on people's head. Everyone is equal. No one is more superior than the other. No one. Allowing emotional to get on to you doesn't lead you anywhere. Think.

Bow, and Fly

2011-08-13T21:55:00.003+08:00

I want this bookcase. I want the chair. I want everything that's in the picture.

Elo! It's the end of the 2nd week of degree. Workload piling up as usual but ~~it might be weird to hear me saying this~~ I'm enjoying my degree so far. The pressure is definitely there but as usual, it's just being me.

So eventually, I have another blog and twitter accounts to be kept active. Was so paranoid that I would post in the wrong accounts that I have to double check the user name before I type in anything. Aiks.

(Still, why not tumblr? D; )

I got no idea how degree will treat me. Hopefully it will be good :) And I do hope that everyone of us will go through it with awesome outcomes :)

Have a great weekend, peeps!

p/s: Just finished watching PoA. Still my best choice. Lovessss :P

Breath Out

2011-08-08T00:45:00.003+08:00

Enough say.

I'm such a hardworking blogger... no. I'm just having this blogging mood now so I shall blog. It's 12.46 a.m. and I should belong to the bed now but no, the cyberspace is captivating me and I am hooked here, with multiple tabs opened in Google Chrome.

Something seems to be wrong with the internet connection today. It's just way too slow, slower than usual. Perhaps I'm the only one having this problem because apparently, everyone's connection speed seems fine.

Putting that aside.

I'm not going to rant about life this time. I just want to be myself back and yes, overthinking ruins everything. In certain senses. When you are too focused on the small details, you are not able to see the big picture; but if you are too focused on the big picture, you tend to ignore important small details. It's hard to get the balance. But try. I'm trying :)

Evolution to Revolution

2011-08-06T20:18:00.004+08:00

Stepping over the first week of degree and I am glad to say that I am still not losing the study mood even being out of the study atmosphere for almost 4 months. Degree is definitely tougher, a great test for the passion and determination of one to strive it. But still, I will always stay true to my study motto: work hard, play hard; work smart, play smart.

Have you compared international companies and government-oriented/local companies? This was a random conversation topic that happened earlier today. It is really amazing how these two very different type of companies are embedded with a totally different lifestyle. Not going to burst the suspense here with boring words, but try, try comparing, and be awed :)

Evolution to Revolution. An awesome tagline for the movie "Rise of the Planet of the Apes". Watched it just because Tom Felton is in there, but the movie proved to me that there are more awesome elements to watch and expect from the movie besides of Tom Felton alone. Somehow, the tagline did caught my attention. But don't get me wrong, not the impression that humans are going to turn back into apes or anything. What I meant was a different type of evolution and a different type of revolution.

Being me, I'm just so use to think too much of complicated stuff and developing my own theory.

Humans started off being perceived as the most intelligent living thing on the planet. As a result, many inventions are created and humans' lifestyle has improved. But from what I can see, humans are definitely going towards the road of revolution. Desires in humankind start to stem ferociously. They are starting to lose control. And as the end result, chaos, wars, and unpleasant situations happen.

Think about it. It's so hard to put all that are in my head into great words to describe how I actually feel. In short, human's intelligence is dropping. We are magnifying details that are not worth mentioning, especially the negative traits of one person, and using these as weapons to attack others. Instead of acting as one, we are treating each other as 'foreigners'. Why?

Learn to let go. Maybe this is the best advice I can give to myself. Things change. That's definite. And we have no rights to change anyone but ourselves.

10 years along the road

2011-08-01T22:54:00.004+08:00

Remember I blogged previously regarding the past 10 years versus the present 10 years? In here. Just to share a bit of thoughts.

As far as I remembered, I never thought I would end up here. Currently doing a Degree in Communication, majoring in Marketing Communication. Marketing. That's the last ever thing I want to do, or even something I never expected myself to be doing. I never see myself in Marketing. I always presume it to be boring, dull, uninteresting. Me, never get along with something that is unchangeable and dull.

But see where I am now.

I remembered I wanted to pursue my education in Japan. In the production line. Doing the behind-the-scene job. Writing scripts, voice-over, storyboards, directing. I had and still have the strong passion towards these jobs. Japan is always a faraway dream. A destination. I'm just impressed. Really did. With the culture, the amazing plots they always manage to come out with. Somehow, Japan's production is different for me. They are seldom seen under the glamorous light. But the ideas, the essence of the production that they are able to come out with is so fascinating. They are something you would never thought of or even something that you think it would be too absurd to present to the audiences.

It's crazy. But it's unique. I like.

Meanwhile, Marketing is totally different. There are sets of rules to follow; expectations to meet; and sometimes you are even forced to do things that are against your own will; things that you don't want to do. Honestly, even now, I had been thinking, why did I end up here?

There are a lot of reasons why I did not manage to pursue my studies in Japan. Financial. One of it. Another, my family and even myself think that it's not the time yet. Perhaps I am not matured enough. To make such a huge decision that could lead me anywhere. What if it's the wrong path? What if everything is not as how I thought it could be?

A lot of considerations, but very little time.

That was the main reason I had chosen Mass Communication (or simply, communication) as a course to study. I always want to do broadcasting. But perhaps not here. Then commitments came in. There's still a lot of consideration going on. For me, it's definitely worth it for my every try that I decide on my own. But let's not be selfish. What about the people around me?

I love communication. I love the whole idea of it. I still love it now even when I've already started my degree. I never regretted my own choice. Perhaps one day, I should do something crazy. Like, seriously crazy. Then, my life is complete :)

Degree Prologue

2011-08-01T16:57:00.003+08:00

Hel...lo. Weather is scorchingly HOT. Try standing for 5 minutes under the burning sun, I guarantee (if you cannot endure heat) you will faint and (if you can endure the heat) you will get a tan so dark you wouldn't believe it yourself. A bit over-exaggerated. But trust me, please take this small advice from me to stay indoor for the next hour (unless you really want to get some tan).

First day of degree! Media Audiences is giving me history; Global Network is improving my social communication skills; and Advertising makes me feel like I am in diploma all over again. The statement above summarizes my brief thoughts of all three papers. Bombarded with assignments, theoretically, and senses a lot of reading to be done.

I hope degree will be great. Most importantly, I hope I can learn something from it.

p/s: I'm getting a sore throat reaaaaaaaaal soon :(

Boom!

2011-07-31T23:08:00.002+08:00

Hey peeps! Just got back from Bubba Gump. It was a blast! Really want to update it now but I can't. Degree starting tomorrow and it's an 8 a.m. class.

It would be awesome, wouldn't it? :)

Shall hit the sack now. Nights!

The Bar Experience

2011-07-30T22:57:00.004+08:00

The getting-ready-for-work look

Good day peeps! My right eye hurts now, probably because I had been rubbing it too much. Aiks. So I should just stop rubbing. Anyway, how was your weekends so far? Great? I hope it is :) Mine was pretty awesome. A lot of things had been happening and it had totally ruin my plan to rot at home. But it was great, for a lot of reasons :)

On Thursday night, attended Nadhira's 12 Shades Album Launch @ The Laundry Bar, The Curve. If you are not familiar or haven't heard of this local artist, do feel free to visit her website to know more about her - Nadhira World. As mentioned, she's a local artist and she has awesome power in her vocal. Try the teaser :)

So I went there to help up. Although I had ended my internship with Arcis, I am still attached to them. Love it :) Appreciating the chances to be involved in different events hee. And mark this, it was my first ever time stepping into The Laundry Bar, so it was kind of a new experience :)

The Laundry Bar

Almost every table has one bottle of alcohol on it, and I swear I felt a bit dizzy when I stepped out from the place. Seriously? I can't believe myself.

The media is my best friend :) The night of that event was also the day of the football match between Malaysia and Singapore. And obviously, once the match started, all attention was diverted on the match. But the launch was great. Whatever that need to be done was completed :)

And basically, that was my first time experience of stepping foot in Laundry Bar and also my first time experience on witnessing a celebrity launched her album.

Note: I sensed bad grammar in my writing. Aiks.

p/s: I got two new footwear! Woots! Love them both :)
p/s2: Finally finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows for the 3rd time.
p/s3: Oops. I realized I haven't update an important post. My apologies. Will do that when I have the inspiration heeee.

On a final note:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NG KOK HAN! YOU KNOW YOU ARE SPECIAL AND WELCOME TO THE TY-AGE! :D

Education Bomb!

2011-07-27T20:41:00.005+08:00

So I am back from enrolling ~~and orientation~~. And I am dead tired. I feel like I can fall asleep anytime soon. But if I fall asleep now I will definitely regret because I will be abandoning my unfinished work aside :( How?

Education is costing a bomb! Saw the invoice and I thought I blacked out for a second. I love degree but it's going to burn my future house down. Again: Why does education have to cost someone's live? Stress. Can't wait to get started. Mark the calendar - August 1st. UOW, here I come :)

On a happier note, someone's turning older this Saturday :P Money bomb! But oh well, who cares as long as everyone's happy. Money can be earned back, but happiness is priceless :)

p/s: Can I sleep now? :(

Time Flashes

2011-07-26T23:03:00.002+08:00

Hello!

A quick one. Holiday and am still working. Home-based. It's all I could ask for. Home sweet home :) The break is moving extremely fast now. Days passing by in a flash and tomorrow is already Wednesday. Seriously?

Orientation tomorrow. Degree starting next Monday. Seriously? I just graduated last Friday and now I'm going to be a degree student in less than one week. Time is seriously moving fast.

But one thing I am sure and glad with is the readiness and realization I constantly keeping with myself.

Move on, Su Wern.

Will see you in orientation tomorrow! :) Sleep early! Heeee.

Uncivilized?

2011-07-24T20:32:00.004+08:00

Just came out from shower and currently being in my room, having my snack (supposedly lunch) with my hair wet.

Hey I actually quite enjoy the lifestyle now. Busy in a different way. Doing stuff with my own pace. Peace.

Topic of this post is the issue of uncivilized. Define it. This issue had occurred to me because my awesome lifestyle had been constantly being spoiled in the past two days. And hey, what do you think about it? We know sometimes we are wrong but you know, it's kinda rude to shout at people, worse, assuming that you are right by shouting/accusing at people without feeling sorry. We are human of the same standard, not someone with a lower level than you. So before you start shouting/accusing, remember that you are just the same. And yes, as mentioned, perhaps we are wrong in certain ways, but there's always a way to remind us about it rather than shouting at people. I'm sure no one likes to be shout at. And I don't see any reason why you should assume that we do. Oh well. As said, uncivilized. I will stop my ranting here and let karma do its job.

Have a good day, everyone! Don't shout :) Heee.

p/s: This post is not directed to anyone I know. Just some stranger who shouted at me for the wrong reason. A bit of ranting aiks.

Wek Wek!

2011-07-23T20:46:00.003+08:00

Starting off my short break with a blast! :D How was your Saturday everyone? I hope it's great! Mine was awesome. ~~minus some uncivilized persons trying to ruin my mood~~.

The yellow-bird-mood is on! I'm pretty you know Angry Birds right? Recently I had developed this weird(?) fetish of collecting the wek wek bird a.k.a. the yellow bird merchandise!

I've got the...

Yellow bird on my lappie. Many thanks to Han for getting me one of these :')

Yellow bird mouse pad! This is so awesome. Love it much!

And not forgetting....

The yellow bird plushie (from the previous post)! Thank you to Han also for this. Awesome hugger it is heee! :P

3D Harry Potter adventure once again! Teaser picture below:

This will be what I will be updating next hoho! :) Ciaoz! :D

Flipping a New Page

2011-07-23T00:51:00.003+08:00

22.07.2011. Marks my final day of internship with Arcis and also my final day for my diploma program. I've officially graduated! :D

Just submitted my final work for my internship and now am officially on a one week holiday before my degree starts. Yes. One week. I'm definitely not made of metal but my heart is, so I'm actually fine with it :)

Interning with Arcis was great. Everything was great. Really grateful and really appreciate everyone in Arcis which had helped me out so much in so many ways. Will definitely miss those working moments :)

But moving on. I'm flipping another page now and I know it will be awesome. Why, you ask. Don't question me. I know it will, because it already is.

Cheers! :)

p/s: We have 51 movies and still counting! Woots! :P

Inner Peace

2011-07-20T21:19:00.003+08:00

Enjoying the time when I laze around in my room, breathing the cold ~~artificial~~ air and doing nothing ~~while having 50 pages of transcript waiting for me to translate them~~.

Two days left for my internship with Arcis, but I know that it won't end here. Lots of things left to be learned. Having tons of work to be done now but for now, at this very moment, I just want to enjoy my own peaceful time without any disturbance.

Life is never easy. I had saw myself being separated into different personalities (sounds so much like separating souls to 7 Hocruxes but of course, mine is only 5) - family, relationship, friends, education, work. Someone once told me - a highly credible source - that if I find the balance within myself, there is no way anyone can stop me anymore. Am still finding for that balance. And will do. No worries :)

For now, I just need to buck up. No more overtaking, nah.

The Balance

2011-07-17T22:20:00.004+08:00

Have you ever sit down in peace - on one fine day - and think seriously (or reconsider) on all the choices you had made? Have you ever wonder if you are doing exactly what will make you happy in the future later on? Have you ever thought that what you are doing now is exactly what you want to do?

I had.

10 years ago. I had a completely different dream, different view of my future, different things I want to do.

5 years ago. It was also the same situation. Different. Everything is different.

Now. I have this same thought again. Thinking about what I wanted 10 years ago and 5 years ago, I always wonder how do I end up here today? How do I end up doing what I am doing today? Then I thought to myself -- this might not be the thing I wanted to do after all.

You see, sometimes things you want and things you should do contradict with each other. It's so very hard to get the balance between these two and do the things that both you want and you should. Perhaps it's just not meant to be. But on a second thought, perhaps it's just all up to you.

What I am doing now is definitely not what I wanted to do. This is the aftermath of allowing everything to go according to it's own account. Simply to let it be can really cost a lot. Maybe even your own chances. But there's no turning back. What's done is done and I just can't simply delete whatever I've chosen and start all anew. I don't have the time. And I don't want to be regret on what I've decided on my own.

But is it really possible? To balance between the should and the want?

That's for me to find out.

p/s: I hate the moment when I got influenced by the surroundings and the people. I need a slap on my face and be myself. Yes, it's not worth it, Su Wern. Get a grip on yourself! And I shall remember what you say.

Reality Snaps

2011-07-13T23:52:00.004+08:00

In this very moment, I just want some time for myself, indulging in all the things I love, without any worries or pressure.

Time seems to move fast. Reality snaps. It's cruel sometimes. It makes me forget the feeling I should embed deep within myself.

Hating reality. But what to do, it's life. And we just have to keep going on.

At the busiest moment, you will just start to miss moments like this. And you will start to crave the peace that you long for. You will be just searching, and searching, and searching. And the cravings become stronger. In the end of the day, you find yourself in despair, just because you couldn't find the balance. You feel insecure. And all you need is a moment of silence, and distraction. To take you away from the reality. Away from all the responsibilities. And seeking for the truest moment when you can be yourself and indulge yourself in all the dreams and passion you always want to be in.

Screw You Money

2011-07-10T16:47:00.002+08:00

Hello Sunday! :D

Trying to pour out my brain juices on an Internship Presentation slides and drooling on the epic videos of Harry Potter at the same time.

p/s: Depressed. Money problem never fail to bring me down *sighs*

Suddenly everything seems pointless. I had been trying so hard to avoid this to happen. I put in so much effort. But in the end, I still have to come back to this. So it's like, what's meant to happen will happen anyway isn't it?

Hating life's moment like this. Continuing depressed mode.

Heart vs Brain

2011-07-09T17:26:00.003+08:00

I strongly believe that the head (or brain) controls my rationality and the heart controls my emotions/feelings. Sometimes, do you have the feeling that what you want is constantly contradicting with what you should? Happens to me very often. The most frequent occurrence of such situation is now, right at this moment when I'm typing every word out.

I know I should, but although I know I should, I felt my heart aching. And instantly, I know straightaway that my heart doesn't agree with my rationality. It's like a struggle (or battle) between the heart and the brain. Or rather, I have to chose between myself or the person I love to hurt. And in the end of the way, I will always fall back to the in-between -- the numbness and the feeling of not wanting to care anything and not wanting to do anything.

Do you have these moments before? Do you know of any solution to it? Mind sharing? :')

Anewr

2011-07-06T20:06:00.002+08:00

The previous post was a bit too emotional. My apologies.

But it doesn't really mean that it's a bad thing. The experience was one leaping moment for me.

Losing something and gaining something.

This time, I really feel that something inside me had changed.

The initiative, perhaps?

In less than one month time, it's back to the reality. The war zone, I call it.

Between who? Perhaps this time is a battle with myself.

And this time, I will do my best. Throwing away the constant regrets I had for the past years.

Fragile

2011-07-04T11:29:00.002+08:00

I've got no words to describe how I feel now. The pain is indescribable. It's not that I screw up any assignments. They are all well-packed and ready to be submitted anytime.

I don't know how long more can I sustain this pressure and pain all to myself.

Even if I tried to explain, it's all useless. There's no way anyone can understand what I'm feeling now.

I'm all messed up after all. Maybe I'm just deserved to be alone. Like, sustaining this burden, pressure, and pain all by myself.

The pain I felt from my heart. It's enough to make me faint. I don't know if it's something to do with blood pressure but I seriously feel like I'm going to black out anytime soon. The dizziness I am feeling now. Have you ever feel this kind of heart pain to the extent that you can faint?

I'm definitely experiencing it now.

I can feel tears bursting out anytime soon but instead, I am now holding back everything.

I don't know how I should face this. I'm feeling really really heartbroken and all my rationality seems to be taken - or I would say - grabbed away from me.

There is really no words that can perfectly describe how I'm feeling now.

I'm just very messed up, and very broken at the moment. For the first time in my life, I am feeling so fragile.

Rant

2011-07-04T01:52:00.001+08:00

A quick rant: Stop being sensitive. It's not what you think it is.

I'm done.

July yo!

2011-07-01T00:30:00.003+08:00

12.30 a.m. Should be asleep, but nah. Suffers later.

Hello to July! Bringing back so much memories mentioning the month of July.

Anyway, I should be asleep. Left another 6 hours of sleep and I will be off for work.

I'm feeling strangely peaceful at the moment.

Change is what I need.

Swift

2011-06-30T13:25:00.004+08:00

Life happens in a swift. Imagine yourself being thrown into a situation that you are totally unfamiliar with, without any warning beforehand. And suddenly, you have to deal with unfamiliar environment, unfamiliar faces, and unfamiliar tasks. Won't you get a bit uncomfortable?

Things come unannounced. Having to step out of your own comfort zone is not easy. Definitely not.And before you know it, before you can even prepare, things changed. But what can you do? It's a tough decision between what you want and what you need, like I've always said. Sometimes, you just cannot manage to get over yourself. But the truth is, and what you must consider at moments like this is -- are you happy?

That's the most important question you must answer for yourself.

The Spark

2011-06-28T10:02:00.004+08:00

Cheesy post ahead.

Yesterday you asked me - although you had asked me like perhaps the millionth time - why do I chose you? There are so many choices out there. So many fishes in the sea. Hundreds, thousands, millions. But you are the only fish I want.

I can never find someone who truly accept me for what I am and for who I am. I trust deeply in you because I know you are different. You tell me - unconsciously and non-verbally - that you are the loyal person I can depend on. You give me the secure feeling. You tell me - unconsciously again - that you are not the typical guy who is constantly looking for other options even when you already have me - when you already made a vow with me. You tell me that you will work for us, and I believe in you. Look how much had you skyrocketed ever since we were together. You tell me that you will show me miracle, although I had tried so many times tumbling down your beliefs.

Most importantly, you believe in me. You are having faith in me. And you believe that your happiness lies with me. For me, nothing matters more than trust. And you are giving me that trust. You never give up on me, no matter how many times I had lost myself. You believe in me and who I am. You are constantly giving me the recognition and support.

But you asked again. Exactly what contributes to the spark? The spark that pulled us together although we hardly even spoke to each other when we first met.

Honestly, I got no perfect answer for that. And perhaps, I would tell you that it's the cheesy and cliche chemistry that had pulled us together. Because from the moment I saw you and know you - and I know same goes to you as well - we know this will work out. How do we know it? No idea. It just, happened.

Let the Music Speaks!

2011-06-26T16:21:00.002+08:00

I really do love music :)

Happy Sunday! How was your weekend going along? Mine was pretty dull. Not much plans but oh well, nothing beats some relaxed moments at home - in my own room - without any disturbance. I've got a new headset (like, finally) and a new mouse. Both white! Yes, to match the color of my lovely laptop. And nothing beats music blasting through your ears, immersed in your very own world, allowing no one to intrude the small world you had constructed.

I've started rereading Harry Potter books. Not from the first one of course, I would never make it to the movie premier. Started from the 6th book (Half-Blood Prince) and plan to read up to the final book. Loving every page of the book :)

Dilemma solved. Goodbye to the hard decision-making moment. Despise. I feel stupid for having to stuck myself into dilemma in that. Follow what your heart says. Listen carefully. And you will hear that it's whispering the answer to you. A bit over-dramatic, the way I explained. But yeah, that was how I did it.

Enjoy your last hours of Sunday. Back to work tomorrow! :) I can't wait to start studying again woohoo!

When the Heart Says Rise, You Must Know How to Shine

2011-06-24T09:39:00.004+08:00

Rise and Shine. I'm really tired, that explains the excessive editing of the picture teehee.

This post is supposed to be updated 2 days ago. But I had no time, no inspiration, no stamina. Hence, the update is late.

22nd June 2011 marks two important occasion. Academically and emotionally. It's always a coincidence that something will always fall on this date. Maybe it's just me thinking too much but still, it's my big day so I have all the rights to heee.

Attended my last ever Academic Award Ceremony for my diploma studies. Grabbed a President List and a Dean List from it. Mission accomplished. When I first got my Dean List, I told myself that no matter what, I must grab a President List for my diploma. And I got it. Satisfied with no regrets :)

I would say that the whole journey compiles mainly on luck, determination, patience, endurance, and effort. Not forgetting the most important element of all -- passion. I love the media and I love the communication elements. I always do. And this leads me to another struggle which I will talk about later in the same post.

A huge thanks and huge swarm of happiness tears to my daddy for attending every single ceremony I had went to, supporting me from the beginning to the very end. I love you, daddy :') *immersed in tears of joy*

I'm never able to make my parents proud when I was in my high school (don't blame me, I have zero interest towards science; as a typical Aquarian, nah nah for the things that I don't like). But I'm glad that I'm able to make them proud for my diploma life. Although it might seem easy (which mommy always says), but trust me, it was never easy. All the dramas, the hardships, the sweats and tears I went through. At that moment of time, it seems like the end of the world is really coming, but now thinking back, I think every single moment is worth it. I've grew up so much. In a speed that I don't even believe. Looking 2 years back, I really feel like laughing at myself hard for all the immature self I had back in those days.

But anyhow, the past is the past. What's important is the current, and what it can leads you towards your future.

22nd June 2011 also marks the 20th month of the pouring of responsibilities into a relationship. Similarly, it was never easy. But I believe it's all worth it. For me, what is most important in a relationship is definitely trust. I believe that the relationship ends when there is no more trust. And from a person like me, I never trust anyone easily (thanks to the pitiful past), and this particular person, had proved to me on how much he is worth my trust. And yes, with trust, the secure feeling comes into the picture and there is nothing much we can do but to put faith in each other and believe firmly that it will work out. Easy said, but when you actually want to feel this way, it's hard. That's where all the listen to your heart cheesy phases will come in.

It's hard to explain, but for me, I have no doubts, and that's more than enough :)

Final note: I can't wait for the last movie of Harry Potter. 10 awesome years, finally coming to an end. The feeling is surreal, and unexplained. But it's definitely great :)

Random Office Moment #1

2011-06-21T16:12:00.002+08:00

Awesome hot in office. Big window behind me. Blazing hot sun outside.

Need ice-cream, or ice.

Finished work. So, what now? :P

Mid of 2011

2011-06-21T10:22:00.004+08:00

Hello mid-of-the-year! It's June 21st today. Marking the mid of the year. Time do flies.

Tomorrow is the 22nd. Marks another important date of the month :)

I can't believe that (if everything goes well) I will be starting my degree in another 1 month time. Time waits for no one. Honestly, it's not me rushing for time (~~or trying to tire myself to death~~) but a 5 to 6 months time break doing nothing is really not for me. Some may suggest that I can work first at this time period, but knowing me, I'm not really the type of person who can do one thing, then cut off, then proceed to another.

I demand focus.

But anyhow, everything is still on pending now. But yes, I'm good. Life's good :) Hope you are enjoying yours too. Will update about my life when I'm not lazy hee!

Curls! :)

2011-06-11T15:49:00.004+08:00

Aloha! [Definition: Su Wern's nostalgic way of greeting someone] Just came back from the saloon for makeover and is awesomely satisfied with the result. Picture tells more story than I can :

I love hair with long wavy curls. Although lots may prefer straight long hair but I'm just not a fan of that kind of hairstyle. Perhaps it's due to my face's shape. But I really like my hair now. Lovessss :P It's my dream hairstyle ever since I saw this hairstyle on Ann Ward, America's Next Top Model Cycle 15 (she's also my favorite).

But of course it looks so much nicer on her. I mean, she's so pretty! :D

Anyhow, awesome happy with the makeover and yes, am satisfied :P

Kawakami Tomoko-san just passed away. I can't believe it :'( I still remember her familiar voice from Hikaru no Go, Air, Law of Ueki, Gensomaden Saiyuki and a lot more. Her voice is so recognizable and I just can't believe she's gone. RIP Kawakami-san :(
It's Saturday! What's your plan :)

Some updates, no?

2011-06-09T16:32:00.005+08:00

Looking back at the archives plants mixed feelings in me. It was no doubt, nostalgic, but in the same time, it's entertainment. My bad. My blog seems dead and it's definitely not a good thing. But anyhow, my days are so boring and dull that I have nothing to update on. Except with the fact that I'm currently doing my internship a.k.a. my final diploma semester and everything is awesome. Nothing else. So what do you want to know more about me? I'm a boring girl....not.

Just joking.

Everyday is so-very happening. In my head.

Nah.

This post is pointless. Just to tell you that I'm alive and just to keep this blog alive.

If you are bored and if you have a blog, read back the archives and discover the immature ~~or even unknown~~ side of you. I did. And I'm going to hide before you can say "What?".

It's still nice to see some updates, no? :)

I got two blogs, by the way. If only you can find it *evil laugh*

p/s: Google Chrome doesn't awesomely allow me to color my words. Hates.

p/s2: Perhaps I should just go back to the daily update kinda stuff hee.

Gone

2011-05-31T18:40:00.002+08:00

This is a post of thought.

You know the feeling you get when you realized that certain thing is not as good as how it was last time? I mean, in just a short period of 3 years, everything changed.

It's kinda sad, actually. When the memories flow in, you got the sudden urge of just go to whoever and whatever responsible and smack him/her. What did you do to whatever I've built up?

I got no words anymore.

Like seriously, why are things becoming worse now?

I still remember every single thing that had happened when I was there.

Yes, when I was at the spot where you are currently in. And to be honest, it was so much better. So much more genuine than it is now.

I'm just sad.

It used to cherish this so much, but look what you had did to it. I feel like it is no more meaningful. No more.

Scarlet

2011-05-28T23:42:00.002+08:00

Scarlet

Can you still see your dream in the distant, starry sky?

Are they more vivid than they were when you were little?

When one forgets to put the emotions that are overflowed in their hearts to rest,

They burn the color of passion.

Even when they're alone, people want to share their feelings.

But it can be so hard.

Words are powerless to express one's feelings,

And sometimes they become a silver knife.

False Hopes

2011-05-24T20:46:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I just hope that I can pour in more trust, but it seems that I was not supposed to do so, because it hurts. It still does.

All this while, endurance had taken up a lot of my rationality and I thought I would just lost myself.

All I want to do now is just to hide inside my blanket and.... no idea what I'm going to do. Maybe I should just weep myself to sleep, but that's too pathetic. But what else can I do to heal this broken heart?

False hopes. I hate you and I despise you.

You took away my rationality, leaving me behind without knowing what to do to cure the pain.

Sometimes I hope I can just be alone. Enough said.

Hello?

2011-05-16T13:31:00.003+08:00

Sometimes you just get this odd feeling. Or perhaps, it's more towards a scary feeling, that makes you so scare that you just feel like ending everything. This feeling. Is happening now. At this exact moment.

Suddenly you feel that everything is going downhill. Suddenly. Everything just doesn't seem right anymore. Suddenly. You just want to be blinded out from the reality. You just want to be yourself but you are too afraid. You are just afraid to admit that you don't have the enough courage.

At this moment. I feel like everything will be changed. Everything will not be the same anymore. And. I will have no one to refer to anymore.

I feel like I just lost my support. I feel my whole soul being sucked out. Away from me. Because no matter how I screamed. How I plead for a pair of ears. There are none. At all.

Maybe not you, it's just me.

Can you. Listen to me?

Small Update on Internship

2011-05-14T22:47:00.004+08:00

Finally have some time for myself! Awesome tired now but gonna update anyway for the ~~sake of updating~~ preserve of my blog's life.

One semester down. Another semester started..... two days after I finished my 6th semester.
Currently in my internship period.
Arcis Communications, PR/Branding/Adversing Company.
Awesome company. Awesome people. Awesome opportunity.
I know I will learn a lot from here :)

I barely have any time for myself.
Working has surprisingly absorbed all my energy and time away from me. It's far more tiring than college days and trust me, for the past few days, my sleeping time was never after 12.00 a.m. Day before yesterday was an exception. Was doing work, ended up no sleep at all.
Loving the office atmosphere. Although a bit too quiet, yes, (but not all the time) at lease I get the freedom I want.
I'm a typical Aquarian who constantly craves for freedom.
So yeah. Don't mind the working environment at all as well as all the tasks given.
A bit dry, yes. But things will surely get better when we are given more exposure.
For now. I just want my sleep. Badly.

2011-05-09T21:01:00.000+08:00

I shall update once I'm done with my work. Awesome lot of work with awesome lots of things to say :D

Ambiguity. Nah.

2011-05-05T15:24:00.003+08:00

Aloha! I had been a long time, I know. My blogging mood kicked in so I really have to blog now before I decided not to :P

Finals week. So far, so good. I think.

Oh, by the way, in case you are not aware of it, being a true Aquarius, I despise guessing games. Straightforward. Done. That's how it should be, right? I mean, what's the point of hiding everything instead of making everything clear and (if needed) get a solution to solve whatever doubts in the current situation? I just can't get it. Or maybe it's just me, because I really, really don't like things being unsolved and of course, I really don't like it when there are too much ambiguity and guessing game buzzing around.

Okay. Enough ranting. One more paper to go and I am done with my diploma study life. Time really flies, don't you think? Tomorrow is the last day and after that, I can just hope for the best. Ambiguity, I dislike.

Good luck for the final paper! What done is done so let's not look back, shall we?

Adios! :D

Reality Hits

2011-04-28T22:40:00.002+08:00

"Do you know how does reality feel like?"

It was a slow breeze. I can hear nothing but the sound of the waves hitting the shore.

"Does reality hit you?"

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I'm sorry. I don't know how to answer that. I don't want to know how reality feels like. I don't want it to hit me.

"But it will. One day. It will."

I know. But I'm not ready yet. Not now.

I am alone. In a room. Nothing but darkness. Silence.

I hope that, when I wake up in the morning, everything is just a dream.

Reality hits. Hard.

The Epilogue of Diploma Studies

2011-04-26T22:46:00.002+08:00

In less than two weeks time, my diploma study life will be officially an epilogue. Although there's still internship left but no more sitting in the classroom listening to all the weird jokes; no more relaxing and hanging out for assignments. Man this is really moving too fast.

Slow down, time!

I still remember. Two years back then. My first day in college. The first time I sit in the classroom for the first class during my first semester.

So much had changed.

The question here is, did I changed? Of course.
Diploma life. What can I say? There were lots of ups and downs. Lots of awesome memories. Lots of bitter ones as well. I think I've grown tougher. I think I've grown up a bit. Sometimes things like these are really ambiguous. I can't really tell if I had grown up because I won't know it myself. But I know that I had been through a lot. A lot of unstable moments in myself. A lot of unsure thoughts. They are still inside me. Perhaps that's the only part about myself that had never changed. To be honest, I am glad that I had gone through my Diploma life. I've known lots of different people. You may hate me, dislike me, but I'm still glad to had known you.

Most importantly, I've learned so much. Both studies and personal growth.

I'm glad. And sad. That it's going to be over soon. Another chapter to be revealed. Now I just need to pen in a proper ending for this chapter :)

Confession

2011-04-20T09:42:00.004+08:00

You know the feeling when suddenly nothing matters anymore? You just don't care anymore. Suddenly there's no meaning to things anymore.

The first time when it occurred, it hurts a lot.

The second time, it still hurts.

The third time, it still hurts.

But after the fourth, the fifth, the sixth, and many many more times, I feel numb to the feeling already. Sometimes I wonder if the feelings had just disappeared. Or just that I don't feel the importance anymore. Or I simply just don't want to care anymore.

Because. Truth be told. When you care, it hurts. And everything becomes better once you start ignoring things. But is it really good to ignore things? I know the answer perfectly well. But I can't help it. I've endured enough pain and depression that sometimes I feel like just let it go. You know, just ignore it. Don't care about it.

Sometimes I just feel like, when it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

No point I pour in so much feelings just to get hurt every single time.

I had not sit down and think about this problem properly. Nope.

But it's bugging me. Very often.

I've tried to forgive and forget. But sometimes it won't work. The scar has been created. And it will always be there no matter how much you want it to disappear.

When there's a scar, there will be pain.

I feel it. Very frequently.

Don't make a wild guess. Don't start rumors because of this post. Because I don't need more hassle hearing unnecessary stuffs flying around. And when it's there. I know.

Random (15.04.11)

2011-04-15T08:55:00.004+08:00

I know I had been disappearing for a looooooooooooooooong time. My apologies, I'm beaten. I've been so busy with tons of stuffs that there's no chance at all for me to slower down my pace.

Anyhow, there had been lots of things going on in the past weeks. No worries. Updates will be done as soon as I got the time. One thing I want to say here is that my final semester in IICS is going to end soon. Another week time and I won't be sitting in the classroom listening to the usual jolly lectures anymore.

That's just sad.

Time flies, isn't it?

Crappy

2011-04-14T18:40:00.002+08:00

I hate this crappy feeling.

The worst thing is, sometimes I'm just lost. Perhaps not lost. Unclear. Yes. That's the word.

I know partly is my own fault.

But sometimes you just get the feeling.

The feeling of just hoping to be blanked out.

Hoping to just get out of the current situation.

And thinking of the consequences just makes everything worse.

It's too late to do anything about it for now.

What I can do now, is no more prevention, but recovery.

Bystander Effect

2011-03-30T19:02:00.003+08:00

I fell. You saw. But you ignored.
It was heartbroken. Completely.

It was just a small incident but it hurt me. A lot.
I know I shouldn't be bugged with stuff like this but ouch, it hurts.
It still do.

I keep quiet doesn't mean that I don't know.
I just want to give you another chance.
Just because I believe in you. I have my trust in you.

But no. It does not worth anything.
Everything's useless.
In the end of the day, you left me alone to die.

Bystander effect.
That's what you call it.
It hurts a lot when people that should help did not.
But it hurts more when the person who gave you the best words in the whole world ignored you.

Ouch.

Loaded

2011-03-30T01:17:00.003+08:00

It's currently 1.18 a.m. in the morning and am still wide awake.

8.00 a.m. IMC test tomorrow. Current progress: Just finished with note-taking and scanning through.

There's so many things on the to-do list and I'm trying very hard to ignore the heaviness of each element so that I can prevent myself from feeling the pressure and stress.

Most importantly, I'm in a good mood for work now so I don't want to spoil the mood with unnecessary self-stressing moments.

I'm fine with being loaded with things I like to do instead of things I don't like to do.

Well, who don't? But actually, it's just the constant moving progress that is giving me the satisfaction. No more panic attacks. Hopefully. No more self-pressured moments. Hopefully.

It's a quiet night. It had been a while. Time for work.

Speed Update

2011-03-25T19:29:00.002+08:00

Actually I did updated my blog. But just that there are things not meant to be told or mentioned so all the posts are currently in draft.

I love the idea of freedom of speech on the cyber world but it just doesn't work right. Pity.

Anyhow I got so much to update and so much to tell that I don't know where to start first. Oh, perhaps this?

Was involved with Miss Universe Malaysia 2012 Roadshow @ Sunway Pyramid for the last weekends and learned tons from it. Can you imagine Andrea Fonseka, National Director of Miss Universe Malaysia, sitting right next to me and talking to me constantly like there's no barrier at all? I was so stressed up talking to a person like her especially when questions were asked. But it was an awesome experience and feeling to be so near to someone so 'hard-to-approach'. There was so many stuffs going around and the experience was really fruitful. Hope to have more opportunities like this in the future :)

Assignments are done for now but projects are yet to come. This is hectic. But anyhow, this whole week was hectic. Satisfied for some, but unsatisfied with some. It's such an imbalance feeling sometimes I get tired with it. Both extremes. Eew.

But everything will be better. I firmly believe it and I know everything will work out just fine. I just need to get a grip on myself :)